Why do we feel it's necessary!!!

I was just out with two of my friends. We used to call ourselves the movie trio: Spongebob (myself), Patrick (Mari), and Mr. Krabs (x-tina). We used to sneak into movie theater's when we were fourteen, fifteen. We went out tonight to a bar within the town called McBrides. We went there because my friend Kay was going there so we went to meet her. It was like most of the bars in my neighborhood, a heterosexual douche-fest. Anyway, we had a few drinks and spoke about our lives at the moment. Also, we joked about things that pertained to what was happening in the moment. What's really sad though is that people have to go out to a bar or club and hang out with their own friends and pay for overpriced drinks. I don't see why people get so upset when they just hang out in their homes and pay half as much to get even more messed up. "I like going out, just to feel social even if I don't really do anything." It's just really sad that we as a people feel as though we have to go out to a shabby bar to feel like we have a life. To be able to say to other people, I went to the bar last night, yea, it was OK, I had a good time! What is that? It's sad, it really is! But yet, I haven't really gone to a gay bar or club so I don't know if its the same feeling. Maybe, it's just the fact that I keep ending up going to straight fests, every time!!!!!!!!

Its been a while!

I haven't written in a while, and I'm not too happy about it. So many things have come to my attention and they're quite unnerving. I have recently found out that a sweet, fantastic human being has gotten horrible news. Her mother is dying and I was absolutely floored. Its so hard... life, life is so hard! Why can't it be easier? Why can't things work out for the best for us and why do we have to have such horrendous things happen to us? It's just hard and I can't really make any judgment upon this until life makes sense, OK.

Its turkey day :(

It's sad to think about all the turkeys that died for this pathetic holiday. We all celebrate this holiday which marked the beginning of the rape and massacre of the Native American people. We gave them all kinds of diseases and stole all of their land. Plus, we all sit around a table with family members that we don't particularly like and pretend to be family. I'm just sick of the pathetic attempt at trying to seem happy. Our entire society is absolutely pathetic when it comes to holidays, none of them really amount or mean a damn thing. I'm so sour. I remember when Christine told me, "it's OK, we get along because we're both really acrid about life!" It's still so true, I'm still disgustingly bitter. I wish I wasn't some times, I feel like I would be such a nicer person or I would feel better if I was, but I will always be bitter!!!!!

Bonk Thanksgiving!

It's really early in the morning!

OK, so, it's really late and I have nothing else better to be doing. I should be reading the novel for class but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it right now. Also, I could be attempting to construct some kind of idea on how I'm going to write my Sci-Fi paper. It's another one of her mundane writing assignments. At first when she said she was giving a writing assignment I thought, yay, write a creative Sci-Fi story. Of course, I was wrong!! She gave three different questions to be answered based on the short stories we've read. I was slightly disheartened because I was really looking forward to writing some creative Sci-Fi horror stories. The same reaction came from the other people in my class. We all thought we would be at least writing one creative story. Anyway, it's a generic essay question type shit so that she knows people are at least reading or at least, the shit she's assigning is worth something. It's quite bonk! Before this, M and I were drinking and she got so drunk that she said she couldn't see! It was hilarious and a little bit scary at the same time.

I remember those days when she and I would hang out at different movie theaters in the area. We would sneak into see a movie and then hang around and smoke cigarettes. True, C was with us too, we were the movie trio! Those were some good times. Who would have thought that we would still be friends to this day, I sure didn't! Even though C went away to college, I didn't really mind much, we had drifted away after that whole movie thing anyway. It's so weird some times when you think about things in the past. Some times you think, whoa, that was such a long time ago, and other times you say I remember that like it was yesterday. Things are just so weird, is this what life is... just going through the motions and making sure you have a roof over your head and money in your pocket? I don't want to say that that's all it is but... I can't help but feel like it is. School, work, drink a little with friends and that's all life is just..........................

I can't finish that sentence yet

Too much to work for...

There are far too many expectations where I work. I don't nearly get paid as much as I should for the work I'm expected to do. It's the same for the other associates that I work with, it's quite ridiculous now! It might even get to the point where they expect you to lick the customers ass if they ask for it. Ewwww... gross! I just had a mental imagine, ugh!!!!!!!! Anyway, I just had a store meeting and it's become quite ridiculous now what they expect from you. That you have to tell everyone your name when your already wearing a name badge?! Also, we have to ask them their name when we're telling them about the promotions in the store. Then, at the register we have to do all the normal stuff like ask for a credit card and who helped them on the floor, but now, we must give them information about the VIP celebrations and walk around the counter and hand them the bag!! It's become quite out of hand. I'm sick of it! I wouldn't be surprised if I had to now walk the purchases out to their car or lick their face because they opened a credit card!

I just don't get paid enough for this crap!!!!!

So much

So much has changed even in the last six months!!! Everyone has been on their paths to their future, if that makes sense. Everyone is so preoccupied on their careers that there hasn't been time for friends. Life is difficult, some of us are working two jobs just to be able to live on our own. I mean, I never see my R anymore or as much as I would like. L, well she is just completely bonk at this point I don't even know what to say about her situation. I get it you want to cover your perception with anything you can so that you don't have to face your life. Let me rephrase that... she does all these pointless activities so that she doesn't have to face responsibility. I don't want to diminish anyone even I still feel like all is lost. M makes me want to cry sometimes. She is so confused. She takes everything to heart way to much. Like everyone's pain is her own and I don't know why she gets so worked up about some things. I feel for her I really do. I love that girl so much and it hurts to see her in such pain!

Everything has definitely changed!!!

What happened to veggin in L's basement when she lived down there, those were definitely some times! I never would have thought things would have come to this. We can't go back, we can't go back at all!!! Wow, Franklin by Paramore is perfect for what I'm feeling right now way for Pandora to know! It's just really weird to see how much things have changed in such little time. Another year has gone already, and I'm sitting here saying, "wow, were did it go??"

Things are weird

I recently messed up my knee, and its rather hard for me walk. I have had way too much time to think about my life. I'm so close... so close to finishing Nassau and I couldn't be more excited. I'm slightly terrified too, I guess. I don't know what school I'm going to go to. I know I don't want to go to a school around here because I want to get out while I have the chance. This is the opportune moment for me to expand and start a different chapter in my life. I know staying around Long Island is more realistic, but I don't want to be stuck here like everyone else that stayed in a local school. They finish school, then they find a mediocre job that just barely gets them out of their parents house, after three years of working. Plus, I don't want to live here... it's so cold here (not the weather) the environment and the people. I think everyone that lives here is miserable they didn't get out or resentful of the fact that they got pulled back.

I'm feeling the extreme flip-floppy thing! What am I going to do? Stay at a local school... or run, run as far as I can!!!!

This is gong to be the biggest decision I have ever made so I'm scarred! :/

I don't know which decision will be best, and when I choose, I don't want to regret it!!!!!!

I want to be.... farther than I am!

I have been looking at my progression in life recently. I remember back in high school I wanted to be farther than I am now. It's weird because in high school I didn't care about anything or anyone. I hated everything but yet I still felt like at 21 I will be almost done with my bachelors and I don't even have my associates.

In retro spec, two years ago I had no idea what I wanted to be in life. Now, I know exactly what I want out of life and it's taking too long. At least I feel like it's taking too long! Some times I seriously forget how long things do actually take and it's frustrating. I mean I want to write novels, fiction, but some times I feel like I would be better suited as an advice columnist or short story writer than a novelist. I don't know I'm getting lost again not as much but still feeling lost again. I really want to get out of this town because I think its choking me! I don't feel free, I just feel tied down by making sure that I make money, that I'm not even making. I make absolutely crap when it comes to a salary. Completely miniscule.

I want to be independent so badly and it's only looking farther and farther away from fruition due to school. Why is it that we as americans have to pay out our asses to achieve an education? Its repulsive, this is why we are in such dire straits! I hate how this country is run. I hate how humanity runs life in general. I do honestly believe if gays were the majority in running countries that we would be in such better shape... maybe.

I don't know.... just keep breathing and moving forward with school I will get there!

Why is everything one disappointment after another!

I just seems lately that everything is letting me down. Just life in general is just really disappointing! The people that I thought that I could trust to be good human being aren't. They're shady ass mother fuckers!! I can't even formulate my thoughts right now, just disgusted!

I will never know

I don't think any of us will ever know truly why we continue to live. Why? Why must we continue to live when we know what the world has in store for us. That continued ridicule from co workers, anxiety on body issues and appearance, health and love from family members? Why or what makes us continue to do this? Is this the question that will never be known? Well, I'm sick of it!! I want to know, I need to know... why!!

All I ever hear is I have a family to support or what about all the good things like love, love from others and love for others. It may be selfish to say but it's not enough. I wake up and perpetually continue this monotonous routine: go to class, go home eat something, then go to work where your abused and payed shit!! Maybe, I need to quit working at Dressbarn, it's killing my soul. I finally have kept a job for a year and it's eating my insides, it's like a tumor on my happiness. Growing... getting more and more resilient. Oh my god, I'm still wearing my work garb and I got out of work hours ago. What does that tell you?

I don't know the last time I went to sleep before midnight. I need... I need a new job asap!

I'M DYING!!

Just wow!

My birthday is tomorrow... tomorrow. I will be turning twenty-one and its quite scary. Tomorrow I will be able to go into the liquor store and purchase alcohol. That is absolutely crazy, I'm that old now! This birthday is definitely going to be the best, I'm turning twenty-one why wouldn't it be. Hey now, I can't be jinxing myself already!

Well, now it's just all down hill, but at least I will be able to be drunk for it.

I've made so many promises to myself for what I would or should be doing at twenty-one. I can't say that any of them have come true. To be honest, I can't even really remember the specific things that I promised, isn't that sad. I guess, I just never really expected them to come to fruition. Maybe that was the problem, that I never really believed in them that much. I can say that I'm in college and working forward to a career in some type of writing. I would love to be able to write novels, horror-fantasy novels or write a column of some sorts. I mean, I know for sure that I am definitely still quite the novice when it comes to grammar, but who isn't now a days. In high school, grammar was never really important enough for teachers to teach. It was always about the standardized tests, and the regents so that we can make more money for the school district which is nauseating. I've already started a novel having to do with horror fantasy. I don't think there is enough good novels of horror and fantasy except for Steven King ones. I believe there should be a variety of great horror-fantasy-sci-fi novelists. Even teaching a literature class we be enjoyable, a college professor not a school teacher, younger kids are evil.

I just can't believe that I'm going to be twenty-one! Then again there are myriad people that believe twenty-one is still very young. That you still have so much ahead of you, but still twenty-one is still quite the age. I know I won't be saying this when I'm hitting my thirtieth birthday, or maybe I will be?

What is with people?

Once again another day from hell at work! People just don't get it when I give you something that I'm not necessarily supposed to give you why do you question it? Really when I give you an extra 20% off your entire purchase why do you complain??

Seriously old women are definitely the worst people to do business with!

The store was an absolute mess and we didn't even get to do most of the fitting! Just a crazy day, oh and Kanye West needs to be shot! What a pompous ass!

What a dolt!

I was a little unwise last night. I decided that I wanted to walk from Baldwin Harbor to Bellmore. For anyone that doesn't live around them, it's a great distance between the two. I don't know the actual mileage of the distance but roughly about seven to eight miles. The time that I hit the "Welcome to Merrick" sign, my feet were pulsating, and my thighs were beginning to chaff because I don't believe in underwear. The walk was quite painful. I mean, four o'clock in the morning walking from Baldwin to North Bellmore isn't a mellifluous walk.

The only people that are awake at four in the morning are homeless people sitting on corners and little Spanish people. It was just really weird that I decided that I should walk that far at that hour, I don't know what I was thinking?! It was painful but I guess it was worth it to sleep in my own bed.

This Is Some Bullshit!!

Well, I absolutely hate this day. It has been the most boring day ever. I have spent my day doing absolutely nothing. I straightened up my room and went to the bank but did nothing. You know what's really sad I wish that I had some homework, so I would have something to do!

BBBBBBBllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another Michael Moore movie, hmmmmm?

I would feel bad

Well, my poor neighbor I don't really speak to her with any admiration. I demean and rip that poor girl to shreds but she deserves it. I mean, no one tells her to her face, "your a skank." Believe me she is definitely on the skank fence. I don't know, just the way she talks about things almost makes it seem like she wants you to speak to her that way. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be as mean to her; but, she also shouldn't walk around talking about all her skanky endeavors either. Who knows... ehhh, I'll try to be a little nicer, I am pretty cruel.

The First Day

It was the first day of school today and as usual I assumed that the worst. The parking lot, honestly wasn't that terrible, I really didn't need to leave that early but better safe than sorry. I got to the first class and for the life of me I assumed that I was in my gay and lesbian literature class. It was really bewildering when I found out that it was my science fiction class. I got a little nervous when a different teacher walked through the door.

I went to American sign language next and it wasn't what I expected. The teacher doesn't let anyone speak in the class and he won't allow any English translations of the signs. There was also three different DVDs that I would have to watch at the lab in the Library. I decided to drop the class I can't afford a grade less than a B this semester. So, so long American sign language.

Astronomy was a good class as well. The teacher that teaches the class is pretty hot and the class seems like it's going to be interesting. Plus, my friend is going to give me all the labs, notes and the textbook for the class, so she can help me anytime I have a question.

It wasn't a bad day, I just have to remember to eat something!!

What a day

This entire summer has seriously flown by!!!! Its crazy, I'm already procrastinating going to sleep because I have class tomorrow. It's absolutely insane that it's the fall semester already!!

In other news I drove out to New Jersey today. Yea I know, New Jersey, I don't know why either. I went with my friend Marissa to get her sister that was being held at the HQ of police in Jackson County. She was picked up for mari-J possession at six flags, yea I know pretty funny. I would say I enjoyed the ride, I had nothing else better to do with my life in that moment. The ride home was fun, Marissa and I, decided to get silly listening to dance music in the car, it was fun. It was a good way to end the summer, seriously it was, I enjoyed it.

Seriously, there is absolutely nothing in New Jersey, it's a vast wasteland of nothingness. We stopped at this diner to get something to eat, and the waitress had no idea what a gyro was. I was like, Marissa this isn't New York, she has no idea what your even speaking, if its even English!

I can't believe this day!

So, I had to work today and fucking hell was it crazy. When someone enters the store, we are supposed to greet them, and let them know about the sale that is going on. Most of the people that walked through that door were either completely deaf or were just a fucking bitch. They didn't acknowledge me or say hello and continued to walk past me. So, since I was in a sour mood, I was like, "I'm fine, thank you for asking. Yea, the weather is great outside." I proceeded to do that every time someone entered the store. Finally, when I was talking to myself, someone was like, "are you talking to me?" "Yes, I said hello when you entered and you said nothing." "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you." "Yea, because me screaming across the floor when you entered, was really quiet." I said under my breath.

Though, later on that day, I wasn't the one that got the brunt of the rude and nasty customers. P was ringing people up and apparently she made a mistake on some ones discount. This woman came in after the fact, I guess when she finally realized it, proceeded to complain and get really ignoble. P replied, "I apologize, I'm only human, it was busy." "I want you to adjust it!" She proclaimed. When we have to change something like that we have to return the whole purchase. When P told her this she began to curse. "I don't want to have to fucking wait for this. This is your fault, and I have to be somewhere." "Well, this is what I have to do, if you can't wait, then you can come back tomorrow." "You know, now your inconveniencing me! You a real fucking idiot, how fucking hard is it to do it right the first time!" "How dare you speak to me that way, now I'm not returning it, you can come back tomorrow or deal with it." "I'm going to complain to the company about your fucking attitude!" "Good and I will let them know how you spoke to me, and I have witnesses here." So, the few customers that were around the register said they would be willing to say what went down for P.

Can you believe that people have the audacity to speak to people that way. Seriously, it was definitely the day from hell. The entire day was filled with really irate customers.

Plus everyone is a complete pig. They leave shit all over the floor, and rip apart the store. Absolutely just revolting this day has been.

Why? just why? is what I have to say!!!!

Wishing...

Why are we so consumed by the need to achieve?

Is it the simple fact that everyone in your life has always told you so?

I don't know, and it is quite an annoyance, I'm not fond of. I believe, somewhere, we secretly want it for ourselves. To show all the people that we grew up with, hey, we made something of ourselves. Most of us want our dreams to end up being something extremely ostentatious. Yes, we all want to throw something in someones face: ha ha look what I have achieved, and what about you? What is it that you have? All of us have seen these dreams thrown in our faces, ripped to shreds, stepped and stomped all over; and yet, we still find the audacity to keep picking up our dream, to try again. I admonish these people. What strength it must take to shrug something like that off and keep going, but when do we know, when its time to give it up?

Are we too stubborn to know when?

I hope for the people, I can say... I call friends, that you produce your aspirations.

For the acerbic people I know that can't stand to see someone else flourish, I say: "Bah Humbug!"

Party!!!!!!

Get down, get drunk, Holla!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont want to feel like I do

I feel like I'm regressing, I don't know why, but I do. I'm starting to feel anxious again. I don't know, I've been feeling a little agoraphobic. That's pretty scary to feel that way. I have never felt that way and it's kind of scary to think I get nervous when I leave the house. I hate my house, and it's nerve racking.

Eh, whatever, I'll get over it, I have just spent way to much time in the house lately. That may be due to not having any friends, hmmm? Well, not having friends that want to do anything ever. Everyone is so busy working, and no one ever has time to hang apparently, I think that is a load of bullshit.

I got another B. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Why?????!!!!!! I know it was statistics, but it was hard. Then again I didn't try that hard anyway. What a fuck I am.

This summer has definitely been the worst one. I worked and went to school, that's about it. I guess it contributes to being not 21, but would I have gone out anyway since I have unattainable friends? It's all just really aggravating, and I can't shake this crappy feeling. I'll figure this tumultuous situation out eventually. FUCK!

Magic of some sorts

You must stop desiring, stop hating, stop willing, and you will feel a whole world of relief.

Fast

Time is moving relatively fast now. I don't know why? I have so much on my plate right now, it's not even funny. I have to put so much energy into so many things now. I have to make sure that I'm selling as much as I can when I'm at work. I have to remember to do all the different papers and homework from school. Plus all the other tumultuous things that swivel in my brain. Sometimes I catch myself not even thinking. I totally blank out and have no idea what was just happening, it kind of scares me a little bit. I don't know what this means, but it happens a lot more now. You know what's really funny, I started writing things down so that I will remember to do them. I never used to be like that, I used to remember everything. This semester is a lot harder than the last one. My teachers are stricter on grading, and seem to be more heartless than my last semester. Only four more weeks and then I don't have to think about school till July.

I hope I will find the balance. I just have to keep breathing and remember, this is what I want!

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

March!!!

Oh my god, so it's March 7th! Holy Shit!

St. Patricks Day is almost here and I'm so freaking excited. Everything is ripe in green colors; therefore, you have to drink green beer too. Yeah, green beer! I'm excited. Did I tell you I was excited?!

So anyway, It was an amazing day outside, truly a taste of the spring weather. I sweat outrageously, so I had to change my shirt already. It was a good day!

That's all I have to say!! Peace and Love!

Uno's drama

Well, there was some major drama in my house today. We're all playing a nice game of Uno on my kitchen table, when they decided let's all get drunk. So they went out and got some beer, and white Zinfandel for me. The wine was fabulous, but once people started getting drunk things got crazy. My brother started acting hella crazy, saying really asinine comments. Naturally everyone takes offense to it. He makes so nasty comments sometimes. Everyone started yelling at each other, picking apart all the things that they hated about each other. It was kind of scary! It escalated to the point where my brothers boyfriend got offended and stormed out of the house. Apparently he said something about him looking like a Sasquatch. I'll admit that its pretty offensive. It was just a lot of alcohol fueled hate toward each other. People cried, and apologized, so things were OK after. It was just a really tumultuous day. I could describe in detail, but it would take forever.

Jeez

Well I got my essay back from my professor, its not great. I got a seventy! I'm slightly flabergasted. I'm trying to re write it and its frustrating me. I want it to be great, so naturally im over analyzing it. I just have to remember to stick to my argument and back it up. I want an A, so its going to piss me off for a while.

Insomnia

I can't really sleep at the moment. I have school mad early in the morning, but I've had a week off so my sleep cycle is off. So what to do, what to do... Well I went to the sex museum this past Friday. It was really strange. It was a whole museum dedicated to the history and science of it. It was weird, they had a whole exhibit about the sex lives of animals. It was very interesting, they had large replicas of animals in sex positions, it was funny. Then, my friends and I, went and got halal. Its chicken and rice, but I didn't get it because I was still skeptical.

All, and all it was a rather good vacation. It was only a week, so it feel like it was too short.

I'm still in a very weird state of mind. I still think I'm lost in my mind. Everything is fine, and I have everything on the right track, but I still feel numb to it all. That none of it feels right or I'm in an alternate world, and I still can't find the way out to clarity. Maybe, it's because finally I'm doing the right thing, finally! I'm getting more, and more pompous, each and every day. There are more words that I'm retaining, and its making me sound more arrogant. What I don't like is the fact that my professors are not really ripping apart my essays. They just make notes on the fact that "oh you missed this answer." or " you didn't discuss about this point." Their not saying well, "Your grammar isn't great and your sentence structure is slovenly." It's almost too easy, and its getting monotonous. Who knows!

This is just a dream, and I will never wake from it, or maybe... I will.

English Papers on Poems

I'm writing a paper on the poem, Tiara, by Mark Doty. I was ravaging my brain on what my thesis statement, and topic sentences should be, for next class. So I figured, since the poem was written in 1991, I could get some information on Mark Doty. Then I could really understand the person behind the poem. So, I checked around and found that he had a blog. I started to read some entries and realized that he used blogger. Then I thought, duh, I have one and I haven't written anything in forever. So here I am just writing some thoughts and reading some Mark Doty poems. The poem, Tiara, was a clear hint that he definitely knew the gays or if not, was one, so I wanted to do that poem. All of the other poems that were assigned were from poets that died almost two hundred years ago, and who wants to do a poem from two hundred years ago. It's a great poem and if you have not read it before I suggest you do. Especially if you know how fabulous drag queens are.
So anyway, I think the real message of the poem is simple: If you love passionately, free of restrictions, be prepared for certain consequences, though the consequences aren't fair. I think that might be it, but there are many interpretations of a poem. Everyone has there own opinion, unless, Mark Doty himself tells you really what his poem meant. I love when I can write about gay things and get graded on it, it has so much more pertinence to the world around me. So, I have to write the paper then. Peace!

Well the weather wasn't great

The snow slash water that was the outdoors today was outrageous. Classes this morning were cancelled because of the weather so that was a good thing, but still just real nasty outside. This week has gone really fast. The next semester has started and its keeping me busy. I mean I don't do much of anything else, so its not like im missing anything. Plus, im gaining knowledge so that I can be more pretentious and arrogant. At least I can admit that im arrogant sometimes. So yea, I'm learning and its exciting.
PEACE!

Cold to the touch

I'm glad that I am at this point in my life. I'm building my life now, learning the skills to a future career. I haven't written anything in about a month and I'm upset with myself. I can't believe that I haven't expressed anything in a month. I have been progressively working and going to school and its kept my mind at ease. I don't feel uneasy, mad, sad, or anxious. In some ways I have become emotionless. No ups and downs, no back and forths, just nothing. I'm rather sick of friends and all I want to do is entrench myself in school and think of nothing else. It might very well be unhealthy, but I want nothing but A's. The whole party life has lost its attractiveness; I can care less. I can care ten times less about anyones problems at this point, they're all superfluous. My friends are starting to make me sick, even my car doesn't like them, hahaha.
So I move forward and refuse to turn back.
Life doesn't get easier by sitting on your ass.
Things need to change. The monotony isn't getting any better, in fact, its getting worse.

I believe I need to change everything around me because it breaks my heart to see the things I see.