Meh, Christmas Eve

I hate these pathetic family get togethers. What's really funny is that I'm writing this while sitting at the table... Ha! It's sad what's the point anymore. What's really weird is that my own friends and my brothers boyfriend is more of a loving family than my own. Thank the spirits for Jack Daniels!!!!!

I think she's read it.

I've just come to the realization that people I discuss about on here, have read this blog. I guess, I'm not surprised though, which is weird. I don't know, just weird... what??

666

Hahaha... I find it hilarious that I have six hundred sixty-six page views. Maybe, satan, is reading my blog at this point. He now has access to my blog because of his numeric gateway. It's world aids day today and I want to remember all the men and women who are fighting this battle and who've succumbed to it. We'll finally destroy this disease and no one will have to suffer ever again. It's December already and the new year is upon us. That means I only have about two and a half months until I leave for Oregon. I still can't believe that it's almost here. This year has been quite a ride. I have done so many new things, have accomplished so many things, and I'm on the precipice of starting new journeys. In retrospect, I haven't really done much with my time this year besides laying around, but a lot of things have come and gone this year. I remember saying to myself that I would never be the one to go to fire island because for some reason, I vehemently fought against the idea. I thought, I won't be another cliche gay who goes to fire island over the summer because it's supposed to be some sort of mecca. Well, I scratched that notion and went. I have to say it wasn't exactly how I thought it was going to be, but It was close. I did have a good time while I was there, so, my ignorance about it was futile. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, a gay man of twenty-two years of age, who lives on Long Island, has never gone to Fire ISland? I've made quite a year of going out to a gay bar a few times, that I wanted for myself since I turned twenty-one. Yes, I've gone out to a bar or a club, but never a gay one. It's pretty sad to think of it that way, but when you have nothing but heterosexual friends who aren't very keen on going to a gay club, you never really make it there. I've had my heart tampered with yet again; but also, had many new people expressing their interest, which is still baffling to me. I finished my sophomore year of college, which took forever, but I made it. Well... community college doesn't make your future endeavors look quite auspicious. Everyone there looks like they want to commit suicide and the teachers aren't better off in that respect. I do have to hand it to the retail industry for making it blatantly obvious that you shouldn't make a career out of it's hideously unrewarding environment. Also, being surrounded by people almost ten to fifteen years older than you, who are in that field, and they look miserable, make you get into gear real quick. It has been quite a surreal and tumultuous year, but I see the next being a set of new challenges. These new challenges will hopefully be rewarding and help me foster a newer sense of maturity.

Really? You need it?

Well, some wealthy investment banker just won the Mega Millions. Really? Why is he even playing the lottery? What a dick! I feel like this guy plays just so he can shove it in peoples' faces. Ha ha ha... I have a lot of money and I still win more. I just watched the news and they said that he sent three other guys to claim it for him. He likes his privacy and wants to keep his life private. What the hell is that? You can't even claim it yourself? It makes you just want to throw someone over a bridge because of how unfair it is, but what can you do... "the rich just keep getting richer." Hermain Cain is finally reconsidering his race for the white house, thank the spirits. Why did anyone think that he should be able to run this country or be able to speak for it for that matter. I'm sorry, have you seen any of the republican candidates or heard them speak about anything intelligent? No! No, you have not! So, I say you don't vote for these people, you don't pay them any mind anymore. Ron Paul is the best candidate they have but they won't vote for him because he's too in the middle for the right wings preferences. Hopefully, we'll get four more years.

Alienation

I feel like I have alienated everyone around me. I also feel like they're doing the same. Attitudes and actions have completely changed recently, some for the better. I'm glad, I'm finally moving away for a while, but I don't want to inconvenience anyone. Mainly, my mother, she's given so much and I don't want to take anymore from her. I hear a lot of excuses from people for why they're doing what they're doing and sometimes, I don't even ask. It seems as though they want to justify their situations when I talk about moving across the country. I didn't ask you why you're still living here, all I said was that, I'm moving away because I don't want to live here anymore. I'm twenty-three and I'm still living in my parents house and have never lived on my own. I believe it's about time. I need to finish this Bachelor Degree in Literature and I can't do it here. Moving to Oregon is a big decision, but I know it will be worth it for me. When I finish this degree and I end up moving back to my home town, for whatever reason it may be, I know that at least I've lived some where else for a while. I fall into the same routines here and fill my times of boredom with alcohol. I don't want that for myself. I want to make something of myself, be someone because no one in my family has ever done that. They're all comfortable with living these menial lives and I won't let that be me. I just won't! So, if I loose many of my friends and have tenuous relationships with my family, then so be it.

I thought it would be more emotional

I attended my first legal gay marriage on Saturday. I've only known them for about maybe a year now and they're the best two gay men that I know. The two of them have been together for about thirty years and who could even contend with them. I have never met any other gay men that were more inspirational than the two of them. They truly break the norm for many gay men or really the horrific stereotype that all gay men are completely promiscuous. Anyway, they got married Saturday and I thought that I would be a little more emotional about it. I mean, it was absolutely delightful to see that two men were getting married and that they were finally able to be equal. I might truly be dead inside. It might be because I was so focused upon making sure that the sound was right and that my brothers boyfriend was on par. He was having trouble with the sound and the music because he was under time constraints. Who knows what it could have been that made me not feel or maybe, it's just because I haven't known them that long. I just felt maybe for my first gay wedding, I would've been a bit more emotional. I mean, this has to do with my rights as well. We have finally gotten equal rights in New York and I could finally be married as well. Either way, I still had a great time and I was so glad that they asked me to come to the wedding since we haven't known each other for very long. Wow, listen to me talk about me; I'm so selfish. This was solely about them and their journey together now. I'm so thrilled for them!

Anyway

So, about the fiasco that was my birthday, lets discuss. I started the day thinking, "Ok, stay positive and good things will happen today. I will not be a debby downer and this birthday is going to be good." Well, that, as usual, was a complete bust and it turned out to be exactly what I expected. I think that I need to just accept the fact that I shouldn't have drug addicts as friends. Why would any one expect that a bunch of drug addicts would stop for five minutes, think about some one else, and make sure that they're getting what they deserve. Drug addicts think only of themselves, and only about when they're going to get their next fix. Also, the tension and anger that swells in an addicts brain when they can't get a fix, when they want it, well... that's a whole other story of human catastrophe. All I wanted for my birthday was to just simply go out to a bar or something, get drunk, dance a bit, and pass out later when we're spent. That is nearly impossible when every one is coming down from hard drugs and they want nothing more than more drugs or to pass out. It just makes you feel like no one cares and that they don't have the time for one day to do what you want. Every birthday has been an utter disappointment and I'm not the one that is like we're going to do this, than this, than at this time, we'll do this. I'm not the pushy, overbearing type when it's my birthday. I don't expect much just people to spend time with me, get drunk, and dance! I can care less about presents because I think it's awkward! It's too material, just good company is what a good birthday entails and some good music! Maybe, I'll find appreciative friends in Oregon... hopefully ones that aren't drug addicts!

The Wizard of Oz

This movie will forever make me happy. I don't know why, but any time that I watch this movie it makes me feel better. I get a sense that not all in the world is horrendous, ironic because this is the epitome of a fantasy world. In any case, this movie is still so joyous. I also can't deny that I'm a crazed Judy fan. A cultured gay man cannot deny Judy's wonder. She is the old Hollywood glamour... see I'm going on a rant about how magnificent she is. I'm so glad that my mother was such a fag hag and made me watch this when I was a child. I still watch this movie and I'm still enamored with the wonder, magic, and mystery that is Oz. I don't care that all the backgrounds are paper walls; It still cannot be denied as one of the best classic movies that shall not ever be redone! "follow the yellow brick road!"

In one day

It's weird that you're attitude about yourself or about your situation can change in the matter of a day. I started off in a great mood this morning and it has fallen into self deprecation. Maybe I do have a disorder or maybe it's this place. I don't want to expect anything because I know that I will get my hopes up, but I expect things in my head and they never seem to come to fruition. So what I'm saying is that I expect things I just don't verbalize them. My birthday is in six days I think and I want to have a party or a big get together, but I don't want to disappoint myself. I have the feeling that no one wants to come to my party, I mean, why would they. I'm not a good friend. I'm pretty selfish, but some people wouldn't say so. I don't know why, but they think so. I don't believe I'm a good friend so that's why I don't think anyone would want to come to my birthday. I don't want anything from anybody, I just want them to come and have a drink or two or just enjoy each others time. In fact, I hate the thought of a present. I think that a good friends company is the greatest gift. Do you see the self deprecation, I can't seem to shake it now.

I was pretty atsonished

I was rather astonished today at the giant, you can only buy in bulk, super market. I always have this propensity to analyze everyone else in the store. It's almost like I have to make up these lives for them by judging what they look like, and how they look or gaze upon me. I began to realize that almost everyone in the supermarket was morbidly obese. When I say almost everyone, I'm not counting the teenagers or the anorexic housewives thinking they're still fat from having their babies. So those people would be the almost. I've recently built this idea in my head that I'm really over weight because I had been trying to build muscle. At this point it only looks like I got fatter because that pesky muscle builds under the fat or extra skin, those bastards. The real shocker in this supermarket adventure was when we reached the check out lines. While we were on line another woman on the opposite queue pointed out that there was a dollar off coupon on the counter by the service desk. She had saw that we were buying the pumpkin spice coffee mate and asked if we had seen that coupon. I was absolutely perplexed and flabbergasted when this whole scenario happened. I was literally shocked that someone would go out of their way like that because it most always never happens in this community. These people are too busy being smug with their two season old fashions thinking that they're in and having a tude about the fact that they wear two season old designer clothes. If you catch my drift... they're that kind of people, so that whole situation was extremely out of character. I was rather surprised today. That's sad that my biggest highlight of the day was about this woman in the super market, how pathetic.

We might loose our Post Office?

When Lori Stokes said, do we really even need the post office any more? I was flabbergasted. What a moronic statement to make. How else would we be able to send things to other people. If you needed to send an item to some one, how would you do it without the post? What if we do loose the post office, what then? Would other small business people start their own shipping companies and charge what ever they wanted for shipping? Would the government monitor these items being shipped because if they were private companies, would they have the jurisdiction to monitor their shipment? These are some pretty perplexing questions to ask, what if? What if is such a horrible thing to say, it's such a pain, but truly, what if? Would you want these private companies shipping items like, oh say, babies from other countries? How about machine guns, explosives, and other "inappropriate" items? It's a touchy subject, would these private companies be better or would it result in a fascist monopoly? BUT! Wasn't the government's post office a monopoly? You weren't allowed to find an alternate way of shipping an item... without doing it yourself, all mob-ie like. Who knows, what this toppling of the post office will wrought. Well... we shouldn't have bailed out the banks because of a slew of other reasons why it wouldn't have fucked us, but would loosing our post office be detrimental to our nations security? What if, and who knows... we'll just see what happens when the outcome of the post comes to fruition.

Google +

I also joined google plus recently and I have to say it's not worth all the hype. I mean, it's extremely similar to Facebook, and I can't stand Facebook. Well, hopefully, it'll be better when more people I know use it? Maybe? Who knows... all these social networking sites are making us as human beings seem to be more separated from each other, even though, we're connected to just about every one in the world. I have so many blogs, that I'm on the computer for about an hour just checking all of them. Can you say, "Scary!"

A job?

It's insanely difficult to find a job now. I have been sending resumes to so many different places and haven't gotten anything back yet. It's an extremely daunting process. I have only a few months here in New York as well and I need a job soon. I have completely run out of funds and i'm in debt to my credit card company. I don't know what to do; I would pretty much do just about any job at this point. I have even applied to an overnight stocking job because I need something. I figured, hey, I don't sleep anymore any way so an overnight job wouldn't be bad. I just hope I find something because now I'm seriously broke. I can't even go out and find a job because I don't have the money for transportation so it's a bit of a catch 22. I just have to stay persistent and some thing will eventually surface, hopefully. :(

Some real courtesy...

What truly blows my mind is when people are offended when you are obnoxious or raucous when they're on the phone. Um... well, what's truly rude and obnoxious is that you're on the phone while we were having a get together. You didn't get up and excuse yourself and take the call in a more appropriate area. I mean really... I'm well within means to be however I want to be in my own room in which I invited you into. I don't know, when I ever get a phone call, I will either be the person who will put it on silent or vibrate and take the call later or excuse myself. That is true courtesy, that is some one who has manners. I don't know what happened with proper phone etiquette since the invention of the smartphone, but some people seriously don't have it or they think that every one else should stop for them because they're on the phone.

In regards!!

In regards to getting to Portland, Oregon... I've got it. I'm going to Portland State University in January and I can't be anything but ecstatic!! I've finally achieved my goal to get out of this horrible town! Keep your mind on what you want and you'll eventually get there. It is the absolute truth and I see that now!

About moving

The qualities that you saw in your best friends have withered and corroded... it only makes it easier to leave them behind!

We're no longer human beings, we're the destructive empty vessels of what left us years ago!


Love, M.J.Leo

Are you an idiot?

You were apart of the mob and you think it's okay to speak about it on live television? These freaking women are such fucking morons. I think they're asking to get shot. No amount of celebrity is going to change the fact that you put people away because you ratted. If anything, becoming more noticeable is only making it easier for you to get shot. I'm going to write a book and go and speak about it on the view... I'm so intelligent!!

I started another blog

I started a movie blog. It's where I will give my two cents about movies I've seen, either new or old. I tend to have a different viewpoint then most people so I thought it would be fun. I just have one post as of now, but I will definitely be posting more because I have nothing better to do since I'm not employed like the millions of others out there. So check it out, theeccentricviewersmovieguide.blogspot.com

Clarity

I can't sleep. I'm watching sex and the city and it's making me feel like I don't have friends like they do. They call each other to freak out or to talk when they're depressed. Why don't I have friends like them. In other words, it's day two of being sober and it's driving me nuts. I know that it's not going to be a long lived sobriety because I have my brothers birthday fire island, pines party, shindig, thing and I know I will not be sober for that. It's nice to be around gays and it's nice to feel like you're exactly where you're supposed to be, but I don't feel like I'm one of them. I'm not a fan of the beach, gays and the beach are like cosmos in a martini glass. There is no way of getting away from those horrible stereotypes and that's a bit unfair, but so is everything else in this horrible country. I don't feel comfortable on a beach, in the sun, and surrounded by men that can scrape the moss off a rock with their abs. I just hope that, that day won't be sunny with no clouds and ninety something degree weather because then I will be looking like a glacier on a beach. I just... have never been a fan of the beach.


I feel like I can cogently sort out my thoughts. I can't sleep for shit now. I am going to be up forever because I'm not passing out from inebriation. I guess, I'm just nervous about it because I'm insecure and always feel unwanted. Oh goddess, listen to me whine about how insecure and upset with myself I am. Hmmm, maybe that's why I drink away the thoughts because I can't bare to listen to them.

P Run... the first season

So, of course I did absolutely nothing today, but just veg on the couch and watch project runway's first season. I'm watching, and I'm watching... I begin to build this utter distaste for this woman, Wendy Pepper. I mean, one, just look at the crazy in this woman's countenance and the ridiculous eye shadow that she thinks is acceptable. That alone should be a red flag to the viewer that this woman is not right. Anyway, the show continues on and the way that this woman snakes her away around every challenge makes you want to just throw something at her. I don't know why this attitude began to surface, but for some reason I began to loathe and despise this snake of a woman. I will waste no more time on this woman, I thought I would just state an opinion of this woman even though the show has been over for so long now.

So I deliberately avoided going to school to file for graduation and I don't know why I did it. So it won't be processed till next semester and I don't know why I missed it. I didn't get off the couch and go by four thirty. I believe that I'm a victim of self sabotage. I do it to myself and have no one else to blame. I just don't know why i do it to myself. I guess no one knows why they do it, it just happens. I have to apply to other schools and I'm avoiding that as well because they want essays and letters of recommendation from a teacher or a former boss. Well, one of those isn't going to happen because I don't have a boss or one that would want to write me a letter of recommendation. I just don't feel like doing anything, I really don't. Priority one is definitely getting a job a.s.a.p. Ugh, why can't I just shake this fucking laziness!!!

Life is purposefully unfair. If it wasn't, would we have the drive to be anybody? Would we be able to make the most of ourselves, push ourselves to do the things we're afraid of? What would be the reason for us to live if we weren't perpetually trying to prove life's unfair cards wrong? I look at people who kill themselves or at least attempt to do so as people who don't understand this paradox. They're a lot of people who can't handle the unfair or that they get more than most people deserve. I guess I'm just saying that I understand why someone would want to end their life because their life was too unfair to bare.

Strange and yet, enjoyable!

It was certainly a wild weekend, to say the very least. I'll start with entering a world where inhibitions are left at the front door. I'm not saying that it's anything insanely classless, but I'm saying that's probably why the environment works so well. It's good to have a drink, dance, and have people watch you. Although some people stare at you with that creeper look, it's still great to dance with great people. Well let me get to the great people. There are two people that dance the night away and show no signs of giving in to fatigue. They're older men, probably in their late forties, they dance and move better than I do. They're a lot of fun, but I was getting hit on by this really creepy ginger. I knew that it was going to come back and bite me in the ass because I always make fun of gingers. I always say that they don't have souls and you shouldn't look them in the eyes. Anyway, the guy was quite a creeper and I had to get my brother to get him to go away. It was so funny, I kind of just ran outside and hoped that he didn't smoke. Of course, I was wrong and he came outside. That is when I had to get the brother to get him away. I'm such a Mary. I had a good time regardless of the fact. Oh, and I love how my brother thought I couldn't handle drinking all night. Hello, I am a bit of a premature alcoholic. The whole experience was like stepping into another reality. I didn't feel apart of the world where I had to go to work or do school work. I can see why my brother likes to be there. It's like my soul wasn't be sucked alive by the stress and expectations of society or my immediate family. I bet that's how he feels about it, hmmm, I should ask him. Wow, I need to move out of my house so I can finally breathe.

Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody

I love you... and this song always puts me in a good mood!

Wow, once again!

I keep steering so far away from writing. I'm not inspired to write anymore because I'm so worn out from all the bullshit around me. I have a horrible job that doesn't pay me well enough, a school that I can't stand going to anymore, and a quixotic obsession with trying to get to Portland, Oregon. People are really fucking stupid! (Oh my god, someones name is clit) I need to stay in a hotel for a few days and just write. I think locking myself away for a while in a hotel, writing, would be good for my sanity. I think it would be really liberating. I need to just finish Nassau, take some time to write and collect the necessary credentials for getting the hell off this Island. (People are wrestling in horseshit!! WTF!) I can't wait, I can't wait! Oh shit, I have to finish my work for this bullshit class that is teaching me nothing, bye!