Distracted By Golden Girls

I'm concerned with expressing my opinion in class. I feel like I'll just be mean or bossy when I'm rebutting someones answer. Its weird how I can never truly concentrate on thoughts or things when it's night time. I think I'm all concentrated out from school in the day. I'm using my brain at school trying to make cogent comments and articulating my view upon a issue. When it comes to ten o'clock at night I'm just spent and want to have my cocktail and watch Golden Girls.

On the fence

I've become extremely ambivalent in the past few weeks. I'm deciding on whether I should quit my job or stay and stick it out. I had such a good day at work yesterday. Well it was a really long day, eight hours are ridiculous but it wasn't horrible. I didn't want to kill myself or others. Another ambivalent decision that I've ran into is if I'm really going to go to Portland. There is always those probing questions: Have you ever been there? Do you know anyone there? Well no, I don't, but that is the point of going there to get the hell out of here. I think that people want to say these things because they're either jealous or envious or they really do want to know those pivotal questions.

Ambivalence is irritating, but I don't want to make the wrong decision. I guess that's just it, I have to weigh the options, make decisions, Oh and be prepared for the outcomes.

Yet another one

There is yet another storm tonight. I like to hear the cracking of the thunder its amazing how it can make that sound. A storm on my birthday and a storm on my friends birthday, hmm... coincidence, I think not!!!

CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

What Should I Do?

I want to quit my job. I wanted so badly to take my name tag off and walk out the door on Sunday. I'm getting fed up with flaccid old ladies treating you like your less than they are and they're the ones out spending their husbands money. Hey bitch! At least I'm actually working for what I spend. Oh but then again, I don't spend money nearly as much as these women do because I get paid like a donkey's excrement. I've put a applications in two or three places but I'm not avid enough to really go and put forth the effort. I think that I'll really start doing it aggressively when I finally tell my manager that I'm quitting in two weeks. I need to at least wait till I hear about something before I do that but I don't know how much longer I can deal with this job.

Any how, school absolutely blows this semester. I'm over it already. I need to get out of that horrible school it's making me die inside. Portland in a year is where I need to be. JUST A YEAR!!!

Another Depressing Day

Yet again it was another horrible day at work. It seems like day by day I despise the job a little more. Retail isn't worth the crap money that they pay. The customers treat you like crap and the company usually expects more than what the money is worth. Also, it seems to me that many of these retailers don't have good work incentives. Usually a good incentive is when you sell a certain amount of items you should get a monetary bonus. See now when my company says they have incentives they give you a company pen when you sell a certain amount. That is a horrible, horrible bonus or incentive. To get a cheap pen that has their name plastered on the side of it is absolutely ridiculous.

I heard some rather disturbing yet hilarious news when I was at work. Apparently one day, one of my associate was walking into the fitting room to put away clothes that of course these women never buy and she walked into the nearest room. She saw that one of the customers had left all her clothes piled on the bench with the hangers all over the place. A pair of black slacks were precariously placed in the corner of the room. She lifted the pants and there laying in the corner was a large pile of feces. I can't believe that someone had the audacity to defecate in the fitting room. That is just one of the myriad crazy things that go down at my job and you see why the money isn't worth it!

The Summer Is Almost At An End!

It's August eleventh, and I don't know where the summer has gone. What's even more appalling is that I can't say that I really accomplished anything. Yes, I've read four books this summer, but I've done nothing but drink almost everyday. It's a little depressing. I've become such an alcoholic. I haven't accomplished any of the things I said I was going to do this summer and I'm not surprised. I have the most lazy, self-loathing friends out of anybody. I knew that I wasn't going to accomplish anything; and yet, I'm still upset about it.

Anyway, I'm slightly excited about going back to school. That is utterly the most scary and perplexing thing that I've ever felt. never in my life have I ever said that I wanted to go back to school. CRAZY... ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!!!!

More confusing life questions

Why is life difficult for people that don't deserve it?

I have so much love for this fantastically wonderful girl that I work with. She has gotten the rotten end of the stick and still seems to try and put a smile on her face. It makes me sad to think that all the great people in my life have such tumultuous lives. I know it might sound weird to say this, but I wish that these people could have everything they deserve and if I could give it to them I would gladly give it! This is why I wish I could win a butt load of money so that I could make the people that are so absolutely worthy of a lift, the money they need. I need a big change in my life. Hopefully money to give to people that need it in my life. I can't stand to see this poor girl suffer any more than deserves.

The thing or things that would make me completely happy and feel fulfilled is if I could give the hope that these great people are looking for. Also, my mother, that miraculous woman, she deserves so much more than I can give. I wish I could give her the money she needs to finally get away from her horrific marriage.

I know that these things would make me feel beyond what words could describe.

The same

Things are the same... the same. Nothing has changed. I do the same routine everyday and it's really daunting. With all this extra time I should be doing something... right? Well I don't know, I think I should get another job if I'm not going to be doing something productive with my free time. I wouldn't say that if I got paid appropriately, but, alas I will never be paid what I deserve at my current job. So lets see who might be hiring at the end of June, probably no one. You know I decided not to take the summer class because I thought that I might be doing some things this summer. As usual, not taking the class is biting me in the ass. See... if I had taken the class, I would've ended up having so many things going on, say like events and adventures, but now that I decided on not enrolling in the class, I have nothing. Ugh, I'm just like... Rawwwrr!!!!!!! All pent up.

Well, eh...

I've felt absolutely miserable, like pointlessly miserable. I'm always in a bad mood and perpetually feel like "what's the point?" I'm not even in the mood to write anymore.

Is happiness in the workplace fugacious?

A rather perplexing question was presented to me today when I was in class. Why do we continue to go to a job that we despise? If you hate your job why don't you just quit and find a job that you enjoy? It wasn't an easy question to answer for many of the people in my class. I think it's just simply this: that you have to make some kind of money for you to enjoy it or not. What I think that my professor was trying to get at was if thats the case why not find another job that will be more enjoyable. Well at this point it's so hard to find a job opening any where. Also, I think I'm afraid to try another job because I think I might end up hating it even more than the one I have now. Also, I'm kind of torn in two, on one hand is how much I love working with all the people I work with and the other hand is how much I dislike the pay and the customers. Even though the second hand has two instances, they weigh as evenly as the one on the other hand. I know that if I don't see a raise after the next quarter as they say, then I will definitely be finding myself another job no matter how much I love the people I work with. In retrospect, I guess it does come down to money no matter what. As much as I love the women I work with, I know that we will always have time to see each other outside of the work place, if we're that close. So yes, it does come down to money and how much it means to your situation. So if you aren't making the money necessary to live comfortably then thats when you decide you should jump ship. It's weird that I'm only making this connection now and couldn't for the life of me answer that question in class. It's weird, I truly do need time to talk to myself and figure out what my real answer is about things then what I believe to be the answer in the moment. I don't think there will be an answer that applies to the general public but, I think it's up to you to decide whether the job is worth the misery... or not?

The trouble with being wise beyond your years...

It's really funny when people have such tumultuous animosity toward each other. I laugh because for me, when I have something bothering me about a person, I let them know. There is two women that I work with that are some what in a fight. I say some what because one of them doesn't know. One manager is really upset because another manager has come in and is now above the other, status wise. I understand why she is so upset. If I busted my ass to get a status and then have someone from another store come in and subvert me, I'd be upset. The problem is that I would say something not just be irate behind their back. It would be different if these people were like teenagers but they're grown women, it's just sad.

Anyway, I have a week off from school and I think I'm going to loose my mind. I guess it gives me a lot of time to catch up on writing and reading but, I have reading and work to do for classes when I get back. So, I'll probably get a leg up on that work before the end of the week so that I'm not rushing at the end.

In other words... I'm just really bored with life. It's so uneventful!

I so need another job!

I get frustrated

I overreact some times because I feel like I should be doing the things comparatively to what others are doing. I seem to lash out at my friends and get overwhelmed due to this fact. I'm never the person to be doing the same things as others so why do I feel like I have to... This needs to change because it's only making me miserable. I should be secure in what I'm doing and just have fun with the people I'm with, no matter what we're doing! Let's see if I can attempt this...

T.V.

Well... what can I say about T.V. It's enticing and grotesque at the same time. You never learn anything important unless your watching the news which most people don't do. I mean, I've gotten to the point where I'm so disappointed with society. They never speak about anything important on the news, never any real news for that matter. It's all censored by the government so that we never truly know what's going on with our world. If they ever gave you real information about the occupation in Iraq, many people would be against it. It's scary some times when you sit back and realize how corrupt the world is. Also, I think that all underfunded commercials just take the "We think your slow route." They over act and when they're saying something important about the product they get louder and move in closer to the camera as if your not sitting close enough to the T.V. Also, there are many T.V. shows that exacerbate every stereotype imaginable, to be funny, but these jokes only further these stereotypes. These shows are so enthralling that you can't seem to pull your eyes away from the screen.

Wow... see I just got sucked in for a few minutes. It's horrific! I really should stop watching T.V. that doesn't teach you anything. I like watching nature shows because they show you animals killing each other and it's OK because that's nature. At the same time, they're teaching you something about the animals and their daily lives; though, I don't get any of those channels because cable-vision is grotesquely capitalistic!

A poem of some kind

Metal dragged across your skin
red falls upon your feet
water burns your face
darkness enshrouds your mind
you collapse upon all of it,
in the sanguine puddle of your soul.