Monday, October 12, 2009

I want to be.... farther than I am!

I have been looking at my progression in life recently. I remember back in high school I wanted to be farther than I am now. It's weird because in high school I didn't care about anything or anyone. I hated everything but yet I still felt like at 21 I will be almost done with my bachelors and I don't even have my associates.

In retro spec, two years ago I had no idea what I wanted to be in life. Now, I know exactly what I want out of life and it's taking too long. At least I feel like it's taking too long! Some times I seriously forget how long things do actually take and it's frustrating. I mean I want to write novels, fiction, but some times I feel like I would be better suited as an advice columnist or short story writer than a novelist. I don't know I'm getting lost again not as much but still feeling lost again. I really want to get out of this town because I think its choking me! I don't feel free, I just feel tied down by making sure that I make money, that I'm not even making. I make absolutely crap when it comes to a salary. Completely miniscule.

I want to be independent so badly and it's only looking farther and farther away from fruition due to school. Why is it that we as americans have to pay out our asses to achieve an education? Its repulsive, this is why we are in such dire straits! I hate how this country is run. I hate how humanity runs life in general. I do honestly believe if gays were the majority in running countries that we would be in such better shape... maybe.

I don't know.... just keep breathing and moving forward with school I will get there!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Why is everything one disappointment after another!

I just seems lately that everything is letting me down. Just life in general is just really disappointing! The people that I thought that I could trust to be good human being aren't. They're shady ass mother fuckers!! I can't even formulate my thoughts right now, just disgusted!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

I will never know

I don't think any of us will ever know truly why we continue to live. Why? Why must we continue to live when we know what the world has in store for us. That continued ridicule from co workers, anxiety on body issues and appearance, health and love from family members? Why or what makes us continue to do this? Is this the question that will never be known? Well, I'm sick of it!! I want to know, I need to know... why!!

All I ever hear is I have a family to support or what about all the good things like love, love from others and love for others. It may be selfish to say but it's not enough. I wake up and perpetually continue this monotonous routine: go to class, go home eat something, then go to work where your abused and payed shit!! Maybe, I need to quit working at Dressbarn, it's killing my soul. I finally have kept a job for a year and it's eating my insides, it's like a tumor on my happiness. Growing... getting more and more resilient. Oh my god, I'm still wearing my work garb and I got out of work hours ago. What does that tell you?

I don't know the last time I went to sleep before midnight. I need... I need a new job asap!

I'M DYING!!