Clarity

I can't sleep. I'm watching sex and the city and it's making me feel like I don't have friends like they do. They call each other to freak out or to talk when they're depressed. Why don't I have friends like them. In other words, it's day two of being sober and it's driving me nuts. I know that it's not going to be a long lived sobriety because I have my brothers birthday fire island, pines party, shindig, thing and I know I will not be sober for that. It's nice to be around gays and it's nice to feel like you're exactly where you're supposed to be, but I don't feel like I'm one of them. I'm not a fan of the beach, gays and the beach are like cosmos in a martini glass. There is no way of getting away from those horrible stereotypes and that's a bit unfair, but so is everything else in this horrible country. I don't feel comfortable on a beach, in the sun, and surrounded by men that can scrape the moss off a rock with their abs. I just hope that, that day won't be sunny with no clouds and ninety something degree weather because then I will be looking like a glacier on a beach. I just... have never been a fan of the beach.


I feel like I can cogently sort out my thoughts. I can't sleep for shit now. I am going to be up forever because I'm not passing out from inebriation. I guess, I'm just nervous about it because I'm insecure and always feel unwanted. Oh goddess, listen to me whine about how insecure and upset with myself I am. Hmmm, maybe that's why I drink away the thoughts because I can't bare to listen to them.