I dont want to feel like I do

I feel like I'm regressing, I don't know why, but I do. I'm starting to feel anxious again. I don't know, I've been feeling a little agoraphobic. That's pretty scary to feel that way. I have never felt that way and it's kind of scary to think I get nervous when I leave the house. I hate my house, and it's nerve racking.

Eh, whatever, I'll get over it, I have just spent way to much time in the house lately. That may be due to not having any friends, hmmm? Well, not having friends that want to do anything ever. Everyone is so busy working, and no one ever has time to hang apparently, I think that is a load of bullshit.

I got another B. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Why?????!!!!!! I know it was statistics, but it was hard. Then again I didn't try that hard anyway. What a fuck I am.

This summer has definitely been the worst one. I worked and went to school, that's about it. I guess it contributes to being not 21, but would I have gone out anyway since I have unattainable friends? It's all just really aggravating, and I can't shake this crappy feeling. I'll figure this tumultuous situation out eventually. FUCK!

Magic of some sorts

You must stop desiring, stop hating, stop willing, and you will feel a whole world of relief.

Fast

Time is moving relatively fast now. I don't know why? I have so much on my plate right now, it's not even funny. I have to put so much energy into so many things now. I have to make sure that I'm selling as much as I can when I'm at work. I have to remember to do all the different papers and homework from school. Plus all the other tumultuous things that swivel in my brain. Sometimes I catch myself not even thinking. I totally blank out and have no idea what was just happening, it kind of scares me a little bit. I don't know what this means, but it happens a lot more now. You know what's really funny, I started writing things down so that I will remember to do them. I never used to be like that, I used to remember everything. This semester is a lot harder than the last one. My teachers are stricter on grading, and seem to be more heartless than my last semester. Only four more weeks and then I don't have to think about school till July.

I hope I will find the balance. I just have to keep breathing and remember, this is what I want!

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

March!!!

Oh my god, so it's March 7th! Holy Shit!

St. Patricks Day is almost here and I'm so freaking excited. Everything is ripe in green colors; therefore, you have to drink green beer too. Yeah, green beer! I'm excited. Did I tell you I was excited?!

So anyway, It was an amazing day outside, truly a taste of the spring weather. I sweat outrageously, so I had to change my shirt already. It was a good day!

That's all I have to say!! Peace and Love!

Uno's drama

Well, there was some major drama in my house today. We're all playing a nice game of Uno on my kitchen table, when they decided let's all get drunk. So they went out and got some beer, and white Zinfandel for me. The wine was fabulous, but once people started getting drunk things got crazy. My brother started acting hella crazy, saying really asinine comments. Naturally everyone takes offense to it. He makes so nasty comments sometimes. Everyone started yelling at each other, picking apart all the things that they hated about each other. It was kind of scary! It escalated to the point where my brothers boyfriend got offended and stormed out of the house. Apparently he said something about him looking like a Sasquatch. I'll admit that its pretty offensive. It was just a lot of alcohol fueled hate toward each other. People cried, and apologized, so things were OK after. It was just a really tumultuous day. I could describe in detail, but it would take forever.

Jeez

Well I got my essay back from my professor, its not great. I got a seventy! I'm slightly flabergasted. I'm trying to re write it and its frustrating me. I want it to be great, so naturally im over analyzing it. I just have to remember to stick to my argument and back it up. I want an A, so its going to piss me off for a while.

Insomnia

I can't really sleep at the moment. I have school mad early in the morning, but I've had a week off so my sleep cycle is off. So what to do, what to do... Well I went to the sex museum this past Friday. It was really strange. It was a whole museum dedicated to the history and science of it. It was weird, they had a whole exhibit about the sex lives of animals. It was very interesting, they had large replicas of animals in sex positions, it was funny. Then, my friends and I, went and got halal. Its chicken and rice, but I didn't get it because I was still skeptical.

All, and all it was a rather good vacation. It was only a week, so it feel like it was too short.

I'm still in a very weird state of mind. I still think I'm lost in my mind. Everything is fine, and I have everything on the right track, but I still feel numb to it all. That none of it feels right or I'm in an alternate world, and I still can't find the way out to clarity. Maybe, it's because finally I'm doing the right thing, finally! I'm getting more, and more pompous, each and every day. There are more words that I'm retaining, and its making me sound more arrogant. What I don't like is the fact that my professors are not really ripping apart my essays. They just make notes on the fact that "oh you missed this answer." or " you didn't discuss about this point." Their not saying well, "Your grammar isn't great and your sentence structure is slovenly." It's almost too easy, and its getting monotonous. Who knows!

This is just a dream, and I will never wake from it, or maybe... I will.

English Papers on Poems

I'm writing a paper on the poem, Tiara, by Mark Doty. I was ravaging my brain on what my thesis statement, and topic sentences should be, for next class. So I figured, since the poem was written in 1991, I could get some information on Mark Doty. Then I could really understand the person behind the poem. So, I checked around and found that he had a blog. I started to read some entries and realized that he used blogger. Then I thought, duh, I have one and I haven't written anything in forever. So here I am just writing some thoughts and reading some Mark Doty poems. The poem, Tiara, was a clear hint that he definitely knew the gays or if not, was one, so I wanted to do that poem. All of the other poems that were assigned were from poets that died almost two hundred years ago, and who wants to do a poem from two hundred years ago. It's a great poem and if you have not read it before I suggest you do. Especially if you know how fabulous drag queens are.
So anyway, I think the real message of the poem is simple: If you love passionately, free of restrictions, be prepared for certain consequences, though the consequences aren't fair. I think that might be it, but there are many interpretations of a poem. Everyone has there own opinion, unless, Mark Doty himself tells you really what his poem meant. I love when I can write about gay things and get graded on it, it has so much more pertinence to the world around me. So, I have to write the paper then. Peace!