Change some are afraid to hope for!

time: 6:03 PM

Place: Couch

I have been hearing some not so auspicious outlooks. People have begun to already question what will happen with our new president. I mean, it's human nature to question things you don't know but people are getting a little ahead of themselves. I think people are getting scared because they don't know what is in the future. We have to try and believe that something is better than what Bush has done to this country. I think that's why people voted for him in the first place because they didn't want another Bush. He has a lot on his shoulders right now and we have to believe that he will better this country. Though, you can't look for instant gratification because we won't see real change until at least two years. It is going to take a lot of work so give him a chance and don't expect everything to happen instantly. Patience is a virtue, many need to learn.

Proposition 8

Time: 10:19am

Place: Couch

I hate people. This will be the first time that government will take rights away. In the constitution it says everyone is created equal, EQUAL. Just another reason why Christians are evil and how the separation between church and state apparently has no pertinence in making decisions, apparently. None of those people care because their Christian and its no skin off their nose. People are plain ignorant. It says equal, the fact that blacks or women, didn't have rights, is just plain disgusting. Its outrageous, Christians have way too much power and it needs to end. Separation between church and state needs to be enforced. Of course, that won't happen because government officials are Christians and its insane. The people have fought and fought for rights. Eventually we will have our rights just like blacks and women. We'll have to keep fighting. We will get it, I'm with ya, gays in California and all over, just keep fighting!!!

Why do we feel we should please others?

time: 1:55pm

place: comp


I have been wondering this question for a while. It seems to loom over every comment I make to someone else. Why? Why do we do this? Is it simply because we like to make life harder for ourselves or do we do it because we love someone that much? Many times I have answered yes to someone, when I knew that I didn't want to do it. When the outcome reveals itself that person is happy, but you feel miserable. I do it time and time again wondering when will I just give up. I have done some pretty pathetic things for people to like me at times. Most of it was never genuine. They loved the results of it though, but you know that it isn't true. Why do we try so hard to make others happy? Why do we sacrifice our own happiness when you know the outcome isn't what your gonna want? I guess it would be simply because you care enough about the other person to give that up. What I'm asking is when would that person ever do that for me? The thing is they never will because you constantly let yourself be used. So time and time again they will ask so much from you and give nothing in return.
I've began to say no or do what I want and people get mad. Yes, Yes, I feel miserable. I don't have friends that do that for me. They don't go out of their way to make me happy. I know the people that would be reading this would think that I'm out of my mind. That I have never done anything to help them or make them happy and that's why I think they're selfish. I used to give so much of my energy over to them to the point where I have nothing left to give anymore. They've taken all my energy, they asked too much of me. So now that I have finally started doing things for myself, I seem selfish. I have always lent an ear, given a shoulder, but never was there a return.(This doesn't count for sparkle shirt woman. Only for you do I give all of me. Because you give all of you in return.)
I remember a time when one of my friends was in a self damaging situation. She was on the corner of a certain town, screaming at someone who had broken her heart. I was the person that couldn't let her destroy herself. I tried to tell her to let it go, not here, you say things you don't mean when your angry. Though much of the effort was pointless I still tried to help her because I cared about her feelings. At that time in my life, I would do anything for those friends, they made me feel like I wasn't worthless. Yes, I did try too hard to make them like me, I didn't want anyone to dislike me. Many of them helped me become who I am and for that I will always love them for. At this point, This point in life they no longer make me feel like I belong. I've grown up and realized that life wasn't just about partying and getting laid. I guess, for that, I look skewed. I guess maybe I never did have friends that cared about me except, a couple.

I given so much of myself... and for that, I'm sorry. I should have never thought that any of you would care about my feelings or if I was OK.

I guess, when you tell me that I will never love then I guess you don't know what it is. I cared way too much about all of you and never did I feel that from you. Ya, the fake "Oh, Mikey, I love you." never was it true. I was always there to help you in anyway, whether it be dumb or not, I was. So when someone tells you that you will never have rights, that marriage is between a man and a wife, then you truly realize, they never really cared about you. I wont settle for someone that only takes from me, if I wanted that I would be friends with a sponge.(Yes, I said it.)

Much LOVE to sparkle shirt woman, you'll always be a great friend.

Making Enemys

Time: 1:24pm

Place: Comp

Friends have really come and gone these past few months. I don't know how to describe it. I have lost them because I could no longer can keep saying lies. I have recently said certain things that some have found, hard to hear. Previously, I would tell someone that they weren't wrong, its OK to fail, right. I can't believe that I let this go on for so long. I myself cannot live with failing. I can't stand to think that I fucked up. Hey, I do fuck up sometimes, everyone does, but I can't be OK with it. Many of my friends have made some "not so great" choices that they have to live with. They regret it, but they won't let you think that. I remember a long time ago when someone said, "she's going to regret dropping out of school, I do." I don't know if it was actually said or if it was my mind saying that they did. Maybe, its because I want to believe that they know they were wrong and they do regret it.

" Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back; It simply means that your two steps ahead." I love that quote. Its from a friend that I used to work with. I think she's feeling the same.
People do talk behind my back, all the time, its always negative too. I won't let it bother me as well because I have this great quote to think about. Maybe, people really do hate me, maybe, its just because they don't want to hear the truth. I will admit, I'm pretty bitchy. It's because I can't stand having dumb friends. They're a lot of reasons why, I am the way I am. If your the middle child between two brothers, then maybe, you could understand.

I recently had a tiff with one of my friends, via text message, pretty pathetic right. Well of course we were fighting over the new president because she's a backwards republican. I just can't fathom, why people think republicans are good people. Christians man, they're the worst kinds of people. Keep your religious views out of our government, it shouldn't have any pertinence there. Yet, since the world is run by fascist, white, Christians, separation of church and state doesn't really exist. We have gays that can't marry because of backward Christians and women dying from inexperienced abortion doctors, because it's immoral to their religion. Your god is not my god, so back the fuck off.

Maybe, that's why people can't handle what I say. They just aren't as amorous as I am about what is going on in the country. They're people that don't want the war to end, unless we come home with honor. You lost that honor when the war started, you never had it to begin with. It's disgusting that people think that, Barack Obama, is a Muslim. "Oh your going to vote for that dot head." That's called ignorant racism, also a moron who has no idea what the Muslim religion is. Hinduism, is where they wear a red jewel on their head, its for enlightenment or great wisdom. I'm not sure but at least I know the difference between the two. People are really scary. It's sad that the racism in the world hasn't gotten any better. Its rather pathetic if you ask me. People are so retarded. I thought that at least my friends wouldn't be as dumb. Once you really get to know someone after a year or so, you really know what their about. As I see it, I have lost four friends already because they were idiots.

I'm sorry, I have to fight anyone that thinks that moving backwards is what is going to help the country. That is just asinine. We need to move forward, FORWARD, not regress to the middle ages. If that means I'm a bitch or an asshole than so be it. I won't let people be dumb, especially my friends. You want to be stupid, be stupid, but don't expect me to think its OK.

Yesterday's Election

time: 12:22pm

Place: Couch

I awoke to the anticipation of the day. I had to drive to school because I had my women studies class. I grabbed my morning coffee, and made the trip there. In class we discussed about abortion, and the horrific amount of mortality rates that come along with it. Apparently in Europe, the mortality rate is the smallest. They have the best contraceptive knowledge and know how. All together, Europe is just a much better place to live.
Anyway, I drove home to get all excited about voting. I waited for my mother to blow dry her hair. My mother, my brother, Courtney, and I went out to cast our ballots. When we parked in the parking lot the car next to us had a pompous sticker, McCain, country first. I screamed, because I thought it was the scariest thing that I had ever seen. As we were walking into the school, a woman in her car pulled into the parking lot screaming vote for McCain. So, knowing me, I preceded to scream what's wrong with you?? Of course my mother was like "Michael, stop it." My mother doesn't like confrontation. We casted our votes and we were out of there in a lickity split.
Later in the night I sat around with my friends watching the votes come in. At first things seemed a little scary, The red states were coming in faster. It was, I believe, twelve o'clockish, when the news came in that, Barack Obama, was our new president. Yay.
Hope & Change

Pre Election

Time: 2:07pm

Place: My room

I can't believe that the election is so close. It is freaking tomorrow. The anticipation is annoying. I just want to hear the results. That Barack Obama is our new president. If I hear that John McCain is the new president I fucking leaving the country. I can't stand republicans they just aren't good people. They're just evil. I seriously hope that Obama is the new president. Well, Oh my god, It's tomorrow so go out and vote. You should vote for the right guy.  So VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

Halloween Parties

Time: 3:16pm

place: Home

Last night, I went to my friends Halloween party. I, at first, was waiting for my friend to come pick me up. I was sitting on the side of my house chain smoking. I was contemplating what was going to happen. I kept thinking, Oh my god, its going to be the fakest thing I have ever been to. Not the party aspect, the aspect of friends. I just figured that everyone was going to be really fake. The fake like, "Oh, How are you? How have you been? You look so good?" That kind of bullshit. At first when we had arrived it was really fake, everyone was like, " Hey how ya been?" The faces of like, oh I'm trying so hard to be nice right now. It was only from two people, they know who they are. They know they have to act real fake because they know they've been in the wrong. It's really pathetic that your closest friends are the fakest ones. It's really sad if you think about it. I certainly need new friends, is what I'm saying. Other than that, the party was actually kind of fun. Everyone always gathers around the pool table to have a jam session. The only bad side of it is that, they play the same songs all the time, from the same genre. You'll never hear any newer kind of music. If I heard Adele come out of any of their amps, I think I would have a heart attack.

Well my friends boyfriends are alright. One of them I think is the most pretentious asshole, and the other seemed like an alright kind of guy. Well I couldn't expect anything less from one of them, that's just how it always seems to end up. I miss my guitar rocking chick from the north, she's such a real chick, a pretty sarcastic one to say the least. Ehh, it was such an unsettling night. When your closest friends are fake to you, you know that theres something wrong. I'm not at fault for it, they're the ones that are making it seem weird. I never thought there was a problem. There is so much immaturity, it's sad, your twenty years old.

Halloween

Time: 5:00pm

Place: house

I went with my friend to Huntington. She babysits her brother who lives out there. We took him trick or treating to all the stores in the nearby town. He's a pretty funny kid, he knew how to exploit the right people for more candy. It was crazy there were so many little kids running all over the place. Halloween's a pretty fun holiday. I mean, you get free candy. Then my friend and I, headed back to my house to figure out what we were going to do. There weren't any trick or treaters at all. My friends and I, sat and ate the candy. We started to get the party going by getting drunk. We had some drinks, with 151 and malibu, it was great. My friend had put his glass on his armrest and when he got up, it splashed all over the place. It was a good thing that we were outside because it was all over the place. We migrated inside to kill each other in a game. Then sparkle shirt woman knocked her drink over in my room. It was some major spillage. It wasn't bad because I don't have like, the padding stuff under carpets. Its just a thin area rug thing. It doesn't hold as much dust and junk. It came up easy, so, I felt ok about it. I did use a lot of napkins though. It was a pretty weird night. I was sad that there wasn't as many trick or treaters. Way too much candy is left over and that's not a good thing. Ahhhh, SUGAR.