Meh, Christmas Eve

I hate these pathetic family get togethers. What's really funny is that I'm writing this while sitting at the table... Ha! It's sad what's the point anymore. What's really weird is that my own friends and my brothers boyfriend is more of a loving family than my own. Thank the spirits for Jack Daniels!!!!!

I think she's read it.

I've just come to the realization that people I discuss about on here, have read this blog. I guess, I'm not surprised though, which is weird. I don't know, just weird... what??

666

Hahaha... I find it hilarious that I have six hundred sixty-six page views. Maybe, satan, is reading my blog at this point. He now has access to my blog because of his numeric gateway. It's world aids day today and I want to remember all the men and women who are fighting this battle and who've succumbed to it. We'll finally destroy this disease and no one will have to suffer ever again. It's December already and the new year is upon us. That means I only have about two and a half months until I leave for Oregon. I still can't believe that it's almost here. This year has been quite a ride. I have done so many new things, have accomplished so many things, and I'm on the precipice of starting new journeys. In retrospect, I haven't really done much with my time this year besides laying around, but a lot of things have come and gone this year. I remember saying to myself that I would never be the one to go to fire island because for some reason, I vehemently fought against the idea. I thought, I won't be another cliche gay who goes to fire island over the summer because it's supposed to be some sort of mecca. Well, I scratched that notion and went. I have to say it wasn't exactly how I thought it was going to be, but It was close. I did have a good time while I was there, so, my ignorance about it was futile. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, a gay man of twenty-two years of age, who lives on Long Island, has never gone to Fire ISland? I've made quite a year of going out to a gay bar a few times, that I wanted for myself since I turned twenty-one. Yes, I've gone out to a bar or a club, but never a gay one. It's pretty sad to think of it that way, but when you have nothing but heterosexual friends who aren't very keen on going to a gay club, you never really make it there. I've had my heart tampered with yet again; but also, had many new people expressing their interest, which is still baffling to me. I finished my sophomore year of college, which took forever, but I made it. Well... community college doesn't make your future endeavors look quite auspicious. Everyone there looks like they want to commit suicide and the teachers aren't better off in that respect. I do have to hand it to the retail industry for making it blatantly obvious that you shouldn't make a career out of it's hideously unrewarding environment. Also, being surrounded by people almost ten to fifteen years older than you, who are in that field, and they look miserable, make you get into gear real quick. It has been quite a surreal and tumultuous year, but I see the next being a set of new challenges. These new challenges will hopefully be rewarding and help me foster a newer sense of maturity.

Really? You need it?

Well, some wealthy investment banker just won the Mega Millions. Really? Why is he even playing the lottery? What a dick! I feel like this guy plays just so he can shove it in peoples' faces. Ha ha ha... I have a lot of money and I still win more. I just watched the news and they said that he sent three other guys to claim it for him. He likes his privacy and wants to keep his life private. What the hell is that? You can't even claim it yourself? It makes you just want to throw someone over a bridge because of how unfair it is, but what can you do... "the rich just keep getting richer." Hermain Cain is finally reconsidering his race for the white house, thank the spirits. Why did anyone think that he should be able to run this country or be able to speak for it for that matter. I'm sorry, have you seen any of the republican candidates or heard them speak about anything intelligent? No! No, you have not! So, I say you don't vote for these people, you don't pay them any mind anymore. Ron Paul is the best candidate they have but they won't vote for him because he's too in the middle for the right wings preferences. Hopefully, we'll get four more years.

Alienation

I feel like I have alienated everyone around me. I also feel like they're doing the same. Attitudes and actions have completely changed recently, some for the better. I'm glad, I'm finally moving away for a while, but I don't want to inconvenience anyone. Mainly, my mother, she's given so much and I don't want to take anymore from her. I hear a lot of excuses from people for why they're doing what they're doing and sometimes, I don't even ask. It seems as though they want to justify their situations when I talk about moving across the country. I didn't ask you why you're still living here, all I said was that, I'm moving away because I don't want to live here anymore. I'm twenty-three and I'm still living in my parents house and have never lived on my own. I believe it's about time. I need to finish this Bachelor Degree in Literature and I can't do it here. Moving to Oregon is a big decision, but I know it will be worth it for me. When I finish this degree and I end up moving back to my home town, for whatever reason it may be, I know that at least I've lived some where else for a while. I fall into the same routines here and fill my times of boredom with alcohol. I don't want that for myself. I want to make something of myself, be someone because no one in my family has ever done that. They're all comfortable with living these menial lives and I won't let that be me. I just won't! So, if I loose many of my friends and have tenuous relationships with my family, then so be it.

I thought it would be more emotional

I attended my first legal gay marriage on Saturday. I've only known them for about maybe a year now and they're the best two gay men that I know. The two of them have been together for about thirty years and who could even contend with them. I have never met any other gay men that were more inspirational than the two of them. They truly break the norm for many gay men or really the horrific stereotype that all gay men are completely promiscuous. Anyway, they got married Saturday and I thought that I would be a little more emotional about it. I mean, it was absolutely delightful to see that two men were getting married and that they were finally able to be equal. I might truly be dead inside. It might be because I was so focused upon making sure that the sound was right and that my brothers boyfriend was on par. He was having trouble with the sound and the music because he was under time constraints. Who knows what it could have been that made me not feel or maybe, it's just because I haven't known them that long. I just felt maybe for my first gay wedding, I would've been a bit more emotional. I mean, this has to do with my rights as well. We have finally gotten equal rights in New York and I could finally be married as well. Either way, I still had a great time and I was so glad that they asked me to come to the wedding since we haven't known each other for very long. Wow, listen to me talk about me; I'm so selfish. This was solely about them and their journey together now. I'm so thrilled for them!

Anyway

So, about the fiasco that was my birthday, lets discuss. I started the day thinking, "Ok, stay positive and good things will happen today. I will not be a debby downer and this birthday is going to be good." Well, that, as usual, was a complete bust and it turned out to be exactly what I expected. I think that I need to just accept the fact that I shouldn't have drug addicts as friends. Why would any one expect that a bunch of drug addicts would stop for five minutes, think about some one else, and make sure that they're getting what they deserve. Drug addicts think only of themselves, and only about when they're going to get their next fix. Also, the tension and anger that swells in an addicts brain when they can't get a fix, when they want it, well... that's a whole other story of human catastrophe. All I wanted for my birthday was to just simply go out to a bar or something, get drunk, dance a bit, and pass out later when we're spent. That is nearly impossible when every one is coming down from hard drugs and they want nothing more than more drugs or to pass out. It just makes you feel like no one cares and that they don't have the time for one day to do what you want. Every birthday has been an utter disappointment and I'm not the one that is like we're going to do this, than this, than at this time, we'll do this. I'm not the pushy, overbearing type when it's my birthday. I don't expect much just people to spend time with me, get drunk, and dance! I can care less about presents because I think it's awkward! It's too material, just good company is what a good birthday entails and some good music! Maybe, I'll find appreciative friends in Oregon... hopefully ones that aren't drug addicts!

The Wizard of Oz

This movie will forever make me happy. I don't know why, but any time that I watch this movie it makes me feel better. I get a sense that not all in the world is horrendous, ironic because this is the epitome of a fantasy world. In any case, this movie is still so joyous. I also can't deny that I'm a crazed Judy fan. A cultured gay man cannot deny Judy's wonder. She is the old Hollywood glamour... see I'm going on a rant about how magnificent she is. I'm so glad that my mother was such a fag hag and made me watch this when I was a child. I still watch this movie and I'm still enamored with the wonder, magic, and mystery that is Oz. I don't care that all the backgrounds are paper walls; It still cannot be denied as one of the best classic movies that shall not ever be redone! "follow the yellow brick road!"