So I deliberately avoided going to school to file for graduation and I don't know why I did it. So it won't be processed till next semester and I don't know why I missed it. I didn't get off the couch and go by four thirty. I believe that I'm a victim of self sabotage. I do it to myself and have no one else to blame. I just don't know why i do it to myself. I guess no one knows why they do it, it just happens. I have to apply to other schools and I'm avoiding that as well because they want essays and letters of recommendation from a teacher or a former boss. Well, one of those isn't going to happen because I don't have a boss or one that would want to write me a letter of recommendation. I just don't feel like doing anything, I really don't. Priority one is definitely getting a job a.s.a.p. Ugh, why can't I just shake this fucking laziness!!!

Life is purposefully unfair. If it wasn't, would we have the drive to be anybody? Would we be able to make the most of ourselves, push ourselves to do the things we're afraid of? What would be the reason for us to live if we weren't perpetually trying to prove life's unfair cards wrong? I look at people who kill themselves or at least attempt to do so as people who don't understand this paradox. They're a lot of people who can't handle the unfair or that they get more than most people deserve. I guess I'm just saying that I understand why someone would want to end their life because their life was too unfair to bare.

Strange and yet, enjoyable!

It was certainly a wild weekend, to say the very least. I'll start with entering a world where inhibitions are left at the front door. I'm not saying that it's anything insanely classless, but I'm saying that's probably why the environment works so well. It's good to have a drink, dance, and have people watch you. Although some people stare at you with that creeper look, it's still great to dance with great people. Well let me get to the great people. There are two people that dance the night away and show no signs of giving in to fatigue. They're older men, probably in their late forties, they dance and move better than I do. They're a lot of fun, but I was getting hit on by this really creepy ginger. I knew that it was going to come back and bite me in the ass because I always make fun of gingers. I always say that they don't have souls and you shouldn't look them in the eyes. Anyway, the guy was quite a creeper and I had to get my brother to get him to go away. It was so funny, I kind of just ran outside and hoped that he didn't smoke. Of course, I was wrong and he came outside. That is when I had to get the brother to get him away. I'm such a Mary. I had a good time regardless of the fact. Oh, and I love how my brother thought I couldn't handle drinking all night. Hello, I am a bit of a premature alcoholic. The whole experience was like stepping into another reality. I didn't feel apart of the world where I had to go to work or do school work. I can see why my brother likes to be there. It's like my soul wasn't be sucked alive by the stress and expectations of society or my immediate family. I bet that's how he feels about it, hmmm, I should ask him. Wow, I need to move out of my house so I can finally breathe.

Whitney Houston - I Wanna Dance With Somebody

I love you... and this song always puts me in a good mood!

Wow, once again!

I keep steering so far away from writing. I'm not inspired to write anymore because I'm so worn out from all the bullshit around me. I have a horrible job that doesn't pay me well enough, a school that I can't stand going to anymore, and a quixotic obsession with trying to get to Portland, Oregon. People are really fucking stupid! (Oh my god, someones name is clit) I need to stay in a hotel for a few days and just write. I think locking myself away for a while in a hotel, writing, would be good for my sanity. I think it would be really liberating. I need to just finish Nassau, take some time to write and collect the necessary credentials for getting the hell off this Island. (People are wrestling in horseshit!! WTF!) I can't wait, I can't wait! Oh shit, I have to finish my work for this bullshit class that is teaching me nothing, bye!

Distracted By Golden Girls

I'm concerned with expressing my opinion in class. I feel like I'll just be mean or bossy when I'm rebutting someones answer. Its weird how I can never truly concentrate on thoughts or things when it's night time. I think I'm all concentrated out from school in the day. I'm using my brain at school trying to make cogent comments and articulating my view upon a issue. When it comes to ten o'clock at night I'm just spent and want to have my cocktail and watch Golden Girls.

On the fence

I've become extremely ambivalent in the past few weeks. I'm deciding on whether I should quit my job or stay and stick it out. I had such a good day at work yesterday. Well it was a really long day, eight hours are ridiculous but it wasn't horrible. I didn't want to kill myself or others. Another ambivalent decision that I've ran into is if I'm really going to go to Portland. There is always those probing questions: Have you ever been there? Do you know anyone there? Well no, I don't, but that is the point of going there to get the hell out of here. I think that people want to say these things because they're either jealous or envious or they really do want to know those pivotal questions.

Ambivalence is irritating, but I don't want to make the wrong decision. I guess that's just it, I have to weigh the options, make decisions, Oh and be prepared for the outcomes.

Yet another one

There is yet another storm tonight. I like to hear the cracking of the thunder its amazing how it can make that sound. A storm on my birthday and a storm on my friends birthday, hmm... coincidence, I think not!!!

CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!