I want to be.... farther than I am!

I have been looking at my progression in life recently. I remember back in high school I wanted to be farther than I am now. It's weird because in high school I didn't care about anything or anyone. I hated everything but yet I still felt like at 21 I will be almost done with my bachelors and I don't even have my associates.

In retro spec, two years ago I had no idea what I wanted to be in life. Now, I know exactly what I want out of life and it's taking too long. At least I feel like it's taking too long! Some times I seriously forget how long things do actually take and it's frustrating. I mean I want to write novels, fiction, but some times I feel like I would be better suited as an advice columnist or short story writer than a novelist. I don't know I'm getting lost again not as much but still feeling lost again. I really want to get out of this town because I think its choking me! I don't feel free, I just feel tied down by making sure that I make money, that I'm not even making. I make absolutely crap when it comes to a salary. Completely miniscule.

I want to be independent so badly and it's only looking farther and farther away from fruition due to school. Why is it that we as americans have to pay out our asses to achieve an education? Its repulsive, this is why we are in such dire straits! I hate how this country is run. I hate how humanity runs life in general. I do honestly believe if gays were the majority in running countries that we would be in such better shape... maybe.

I don't know.... just keep breathing and moving forward with school I will get there!

Why is everything one disappointment after another!

I just seems lately that everything is letting me down. Just life in general is just really disappointing! The people that I thought that I could trust to be good human being aren't. They're shady ass mother fuckers!! I can't even formulate my thoughts right now, just disgusted!

I will never know

I don't think any of us will ever know truly why we continue to live. Why? Why must we continue to live when we know what the world has in store for us. That continued ridicule from co workers, anxiety on body issues and appearance, health and love from family members? Why or what makes us continue to do this? Is this the question that will never be known? Well, I'm sick of it!! I want to know, I need to know... why!!

All I ever hear is I have a family to support or what about all the good things like love, love from others and love for others. It may be selfish to say but it's not enough. I wake up and perpetually continue this monotonous routine: go to class, go home eat something, then go to work where your abused and payed shit!! Maybe, I need to quit working at Dressbarn, it's killing my soul. I finally have kept a job for a year and it's eating my insides, it's like a tumor on my happiness. Growing... getting more and more resilient. Oh my god, I'm still wearing my work garb and I got out of work hours ago. What does that tell you?

I don't know the last time I went to sleep before midnight. I need... I need a new job asap!

I'M DYING!!

Just wow!

My birthday is tomorrow... tomorrow. I will be turning twenty-one and its quite scary. Tomorrow I will be able to go into the liquor store and purchase alcohol. That is absolutely crazy, I'm that old now! This birthday is definitely going to be the best, I'm turning twenty-one why wouldn't it be. Hey now, I can't be jinxing myself already!

Well, now it's just all down hill, but at least I will be able to be drunk for it.

I've made so many promises to myself for what I would or should be doing at twenty-one. I can't say that any of them have come true. To be honest, I can't even really remember the specific things that I promised, isn't that sad. I guess, I just never really expected them to come to fruition. Maybe that was the problem, that I never really believed in them that much. I can say that I'm in college and working forward to a career in some type of writing. I would love to be able to write novels, horror-fantasy novels or write a column of some sorts. I mean, I know for sure that I am definitely still quite the novice when it comes to grammar, but who isn't now a days. In high school, grammar was never really important enough for teachers to teach. It was always about the standardized tests, and the regents so that we can make more money for the school district which is nauseating. I've already started a novel having to do with horror fantasy. I don't think there is enough good novels of horror and fantasy except for Steven King ones. I believe there should be a variety of great horror-fantasy-sci-fi novelists. Even teaching a literature class we be enjoyable, a college professor not a school teacher, younger kids are evil.

I just can't believe that I'm going to be twenty-one! Then again there are myriad people that believe twenty-one is still very young. That you still have so much ahead of you, but still twenty-one is still quite the age. I know I won't be saying this when I'm hitting my thirtieth birthday, or maybe I will be?

What is with people?

Once again another day from hell at work! People just don't get it when I give you something that I'm not necessarily supposed to give you why do you question it? Really when I give you an extra 20% off your entire purchase why do you complain??

Seriously old women are definitely the worst people to do business with!

The store was an absolute mess and we didn't even get to do most of the fitting! Just a crazy day, oh and Kanye West needs to be shot! What a pompous ass!

What a dolt!

I was a little unwise last night. I decided that I wanted to walk from Baldwin Harbor to Bellmore. For anyone that doesn't live around them, it's a great distance between the two. I don't know the actual mileage of the distance but roughly about seven to eight miles. The time that I hit the "Welcome to Merrick" sign, my feet were pulsating, and my thighs were beginning to chaff because I don't believe in underwear. The walk was quite painful. I mean, four o'clock in the morning walking from Baldwin to North Bellmore isn't a mellifluous walk.

The only people that are awake at four in the morning are homeless people sitting on corners and little Spanish people. It was just really weird that I decided that I should walk that far at that hour, I don't know what I was thinking?! It was painful but I guess it was worth it to sleep in my own bed.

This Is Some Bullshit!!

Well, I absolutely hate this day. It has been the most boring day ever. I have spent my day doing absolutely nothing. I straightened up my room and went to the bank but did nothing. You know what's really sad I wish that I had some homework, so I would have something to do!

BBBBBBBllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another Michael Moore movie, hmmmmm?

I would feel bad

Well, my poor neighbor I don't really speak to her with any admiration. I demean and rip that poor girl to shreds but she deserves it. I mean, no one tells her to her face, "your a skank." Believe me she is definitely on the skank fence. I don't know, just the way she talks about things almost makes it seem like she wants you to speak to her that way. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be as mean to her; but, she also shouldn't walk around talking about all her skanky endeavors either. Who knows... ehhh, I'll try to be a little nicer, I am pretty cruel.