Where am I?

I always completely forget about this blog. This started when I had to create this blog for a composition class. I'm surprised that I even kept using this thing. I'm just baked and remembered that I had this thing. Thoughts... thoughts... thoughts... thought. "Porsche reads the papers." haha.

What to talk about? I find it difficult to write anything about myself when I'm not in distress. I don't have anything to complain about. For once in my life I can actually say life is good. I'm living in Oregon by myself, and doing fine in school. I do need a job soon. I need to start paying for some of my rent because I should. Plus, having a job here will make it feel more like home. I can't wait to move out of this building though. People here are nice and it's my first home here in Oregon, but I don't feel like I should be living here. They're really over priced for what I could find right out in beaverton. Plus, there is so many more things in Beaverton anyway. So, it'll be fun to more in with my friend out in Beaverton. I just wish it would happen sooner. Hey, at least it's happening at all. Hmm... I really should go food shopping, really just for the toiletries. I wish the convenience store down the block carried more toiletries. That would be too easy now wouldn't it. Oh, someone robbed the bank down the street yesterday. There was a helicopter constantly flying about my building, so I got curious as to why. They found him hours later anyway. I don't know why people bother to rob banks anymore, no one ever gets away with it. Whoa. Only three more weeks of classes. This semester went insanely quick. Whomever invented trimesters, definitely didn't want to be in class for very long.

A lot of things

It has been a while once again. So much has happened since July. A lot of things constantly happen here and that's one of the main reasons why I wanted to move so bad. After living here for six months, I can honestly say, I have made the best decision of my life so far. I feel alive now and ironically, my back hasn't given nearly as much grief since I've moved here. It would be nice to finally have a car here because it would make it easier to get out into the country or the beach. Plus, I'd be able to get a job. Besides that, driving out in the country is amazing anyway, so it would be nice to drive out there every once and a while. My classes this semester are a bit of a joke. At least I can breath a little better this semester.

Back again

I'm back in Portland after a month in New York. I think this is where I need to be. The only thing I miss about New York is that I had friends there. I had those friends for quite sometime because we grew up together. I just need to make friends here and I'll feel right at home. I made one, but who knows if she is really a friend or just wanted to be a school acquaintance. I have some potential friends from a website. Eeek. A website. Yeah, I became one of those. If I want gay friends I'm going to have to buck up and get with the decade. I moved across the country and everyone thought I was crazy... let's go the extra mile and really surprise myself. I need my car, so I won't feel so stagnant. Plus, it's summer and I hate going anywhere in the summer, especially if I have to walk. Fuck, the oxidation on the car. You don't have to get it painted. I think that my mother secretly withheld the car so that I won"t be able to be adventurous. I bet, she thinks, that if I have my car I will never come back to New York. I hopefully plan on that being the case. She has my other two brothers, let it go. Why are all the gay bars in Guam, here? Well, they were in Guam on Long Island too because it's long island and they hate gays there. Well, It's been a few days of what will be the next five months here. It'll get better when it's no longer the summer. I hate the summer! There is no air conditioning in this building either, what is up with that? Alright, I have complained enough for today.

A while

A lot happens in three months. I have moved to Portland, Oregon and at first I was apprehensive about it. I didn't know how to feel about it, it was quite the change. I was back and forth in my mind... wondering if it was right for me and only until I came back to Long Island, did I realize how much I enjoyed it. I want to go back so bad. I'm here on Long Island for a month, so before I know it, I will be going back. I attend Portland State to get my BA in English Literature and I really like the school. It is very urban and has a city feel with a very relaxed, pointer and middle finger spread mentality to it. I would say it's one of the cleanest cities I've been to, but that's not saying much, since I'm from New York. At first I didn't think it was for me, but since I've had time away from it, I've realized how much I feel alive in Oregon. I hate how Long Island makes me feel. How self conscious I get from being around these narrow minded bigots. I can't wait to return to you Portland, you're so welcoming and invigorating.

Oh wow, it's February! Seriously, where did the time go? I have about a month until I move to Oregon. I'm still absolutely terrified, but I know once I get there, everything will fall into place. I can't wait to get out of here. I've always wanted to leave this place and now, it's right around the corner. I can't wait. I can't wait. I can't wait! I never want to come back to this place!

I don't know what life has in store for me; I just don't, but isn't that the point? We should all live like it's the last day of our lives and I'm going to try and do that more often. If you're feeling like crap, try to turn it into hope. If you don't like where you're living take the steps to move to a different place. Who knows!

Meh, Christmas Eve

I hate these pathetic family get togethers. What's really funny is that I'm writing this while sitting at the table... Ha! It's sad what's the point anymore. What's really weird is that my own friends and my brothers boyfriend is more of a loving family than my own. Thank the spirits for Jack Daniels!!!!!

I think she's read it.

I've just come to the realization that people I discuss about on here, have read this blog. I guess, I'm not surprised though, which is weird. I don't know, just weird... what??

666

Hahaha... I find it hilarious that I have six hundred sixty-six page views. Maybe, satan, is reading my blog at this point. He now has access to my blog because of his numeric gateway. It's world aids day today and I want to remember all the men and women who are fighting this battle and who've succumbed to it. We'll finally destroy this disease and no one will have to suffer ever again. It's December already and the new year is upon us. That means I only have about two and a half months until I leave for Oregon. I still can't believe that it's almost here. This year has been quite a ride. I have done so many new things, have accomplished so many things, and I'm on the precipice of starting new journeys. In retrospect, I haven't really done much with my time this year besides laying around, but a lot of things have come and gone this year. I remember saying to myself that I would never be the one to go to fire island because for some reason, I vehemently fought against the idea. I thought, I won't be another cliche gay who goes to fire island over the summer because it's supposed to be some sort of mecca. Well, I scratched that notion and went. I have to say it wasn't exactly how I thought it was going to be, but It was close. I did have a good time while I was there, so, my ignorance about it was futile. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, a gay man of twenty-two years of age, who lives on Long Island, has never gone to Fire ISland? I've made quite a year of going out to a gay bar a few times, that I wanted for myself since I turned twenty-one. Yes, I've gone out to a bar or a club, but never a gay one. It's pretty sad to think of it that way, but when you have nothing but heterosexual friends who aren't very keen on going to a gay club, you never really make it there. I've had my heart tampered with yet again; but also, had many new people expressing their interest, which is still baffling to me. I finished my sophomore year of college, which took forever, but I made it. Well... community college doesn't make your future endeavors look quite auspicious. Everyone there looks like they want to commit suicide and the teachers aren't better off in that respect. I do have to hand it to the retail industry for making it blatantly obvious that you shouldn't make a career out of it's hideously unrewarding environment. Also, being surrounded by people almost ten to fifteen years older than you, who are in that field, and they look miserable, make you get into gear real quick. It has been quite a surreal and tumultuous year, but I see the next being a set of new challenges. These new challenges will hopefully be rewarding and help me foster a newer sense of maturity.

Really? You need it?

Well, some wealthy investment banker just won the Mega Millions. Really? Why is he even playing the lottery? What a dick! I feel like this guy plays just so he can shove it in peoples' faces. Ha ha ha... I have a lot of money and I still win more. I just watched the news and they said that he sent three other guys to claim it for him. He likes his privacy and wants to keep his life private. What the hell is that? You can't even claim it yourself? It makes you just want to throw someone over a bridge because of how unfair it is, but what can you do... "the rich just keep getting richer." Hermain Cain is finally reconsidering his race for the white house, thank the spirits. Why did anyone think that he should be able to run this country or be able to speak for it for that matter. I'm sorry, have you seen any of the republican candidates or heard them speak about anything intelligent? No! No, you have not! So, I say you don't vote for these people, you don't pay them any mind anymore. Ron Paul is the best candidate they have but they won't vote for him because he's too in the middle for the right wings preferences. Hopefully, we'll get four more years.

Alienation

I feel like I have alienated everyone around me. I also feel like they're doing the same. Attitudes and actions have completely changed recently, some for the better. I'm glad, I'm finally moving away for a while, but I don't want to inconvenience anyone. Mainly, my mother, she's given so much and I don't want to take anymore from her. I hear a lot of excuses from people for why they're doing what they're doing and sometimes, I don't even ask. It seems as though they want to justify their situations when I talk about moving across the country. I didn't ask you why you're still living here, all I said was that, I'm moving away because I don't want to live here anymore. I'm twenty-three and I'm still living in my parents house and have never lived on my own. I believe it's about time. I need to finish this Bachelor Degree in Literature and I can't do it here. Moving to Oregon is a big decision, but I know it will be worth it for me. When I finish this degree and I end up moving back to my home town, for whatever reason it may be, I know that at least I've lived some where else for a while. I fall into the same routines here and fill my times of boredom with alcohol. I don't want that for myself. I want to make something of myself, be someone because no one in my family has ever done that. They're all comfortable with living these menial lives and I won't let that be me. I just won't! So, if I loose many of my friends and have tenuous relationships with my family, then so be it.

I thought it would be more emotional

I attended my first legal gay marriage on Saturday. I've only known them for about maybe a year now and they're the best two gay men that I know. The two of them have been together for about thirty years and who could even contend with them. I have never met any other gay men that were more inspirational than the two of them. They truly break the norm for many gay men or really the horrific stereotype that all gay men are completely promiscuous. Anyway, they got married Saturday and I thought that I would be a little more emotional about it. I mean, it was absolutely delightful to see that two men were getting married and that they were finally able to be equal. I might truly be dead inside. It might be because I was so focused upon making sure that the sound was right and that my brothers boyfriend was on par. He was having trouble with the sound and the music because he was under time constraints. Who knows what it could have been that made me not feel or maybe, it's just because I haven't known them that long. I just felt maybe for my first gay wedding, I would've been a bit more emotional. I mean, this has to do with my rights as well. We have finally gotten equal rights in New York and I could finally be married as well. Either way, I still had a great time and I was so glad that they asked me to come to the wedding since we haven't known each other for very long. Wow, listen to me talk about me; I'm so selfish. This was solely about them and their journey together now. I'm so thrilled for them!

Anyway

So, about the fiasco that was my birthday, lets discuss. I started the day thinking, "Ok, stay positive and good things will happen today. I will not be a debby downer and this birthday is going to be good." Well, that, as usual, was a complete bust and it turned out to be exactly what I expected. I think that I need to just accept the fact that I shouldn't have drug addicts as friends. Why would any one expect that a bunch of drug addicts would stop for five minutes, think about some one else, and make sure that they're getting what they deserve. Drug addicts think only of themselves, and only about when they're going to get their next fix. Also, the tension and anger that swells in an addicts brain when they can't get a fix, when they want it, well... that's a whole other story of human catastrophe. All I wanted for my birthday was to just simply go out to a bar or something, get drunk, dance a bit, and pass out later when we're spent. That is nearly impossible when every one is coming down from hard drugs and they want nothing more than more drugs or to pass out. It just makes you feel like no one cares and that they don't have the time for one day to do what you want. Every birthday has been an utter disappointment and I'm not the one that is like we're going to do this, than this, than at this time, we'll do this. I'm not the pushy, overbearing type when it's my birthday. I don't expect much just people to spend time with me, get drunk, and dance! I can care less about presents because I think it's awkward! It's too material, just good company is what a good birthday entails and some good music! Maybe, I'll find appreciative friends in Oregon... hopefully ones that aren't drug addicts!

The Wizard of Oz

This movie will forever make me happy. I don't know why, but any time that I watch this movie it makes me feel better. I get a sense that not all in the world is horrendous, ironic because this is the epitome of a fantasy world. In any case, this movie is still so joyous. I also can't deny that I'm a crazed Judy fan. A cultured gay man cannot deny Judy's wonder. She is the old Hollywood glamour... see I'm going on a rant about how magnificent she is. I'm so glad that my mother was such a fag hag and made me watch this when I was a child. I still watch this movie and I'm still enamored with the wonder, magic, and mystery that is Oz. I don't care that all the backgrounds are paper walls; It still cannot be denied as one of the best classic movies that shall not ever be redone! "follow the yellow brick road!"

In one day

It's weird that you're attitude about yourself or about your situation can change in the matter of a day. I started off in a great mood this morning and it has fallen into self deprecation. Maybe I do have a disorder or maybe it's this place. I don't want to expect anything because I know that I will get my hopes up, but I expect things in my head and they never seem to come to fruition. So what I'm saying is that I expect things I just don't verbalize them. My birthday is in six days I think and I want to have a party or a big get together, but I don't want to disappoint myself. I have the feeling that no one wants to come to my party, I mean, why would they. I'm not a good friend. I'm pretty selfish, but some people wouldn't say so. I don't know why, but they think so. I don't believe I'm a good friend so that's why I don't think anyone would want to come to my birthday. I don't want anything from anybody, I just want them to come and have a drink or two or just enjoy each others time. In fact, I hate the thought of a present. I think that a good friends company is the greatest gift. Do you see the self deprecation, I can't seem to shake it now.

I was pretty atsonished

I was rather astonished today at the giant, you can only buy in bulk, super market. I always have this propensity to analyze everyone else in the store. It's almost like I have to make up these lives for them by judging what they look like, and how they look or gaze upon me. I began to realize that almost everyone in the supermarket was morbidly obese. When I say almost everyone, I'm not counting the teenagers or the anorexic housewives thinking they're still fat from having their babies. So those people would be the almost. I've recently built this idea in my head that I'm really over weight because I had been trying to build muscle. At this point it only looks like I got fatter because that pesky muscle builds under the fat or extra skin, those bastards. The real shocker in this supermarket adventure was when we reached the check out lines. While we were on line another woman on the opposite queue pointed out that there was a dollar off coupon on the counter by the service desk. She had saw that we were buying the pumpkin spice coffee mate and asked if we had seen that coupon. I was absolutely perplexed and flabbergasted when this whole scenario happened. I was literally shocked that someone would go out of their way like that because it most always never happens in this community. These people are too busy being smug with their two season old fashions thinking that they're in and having a tude about the fact that they wear two season old designer clothes. If you catch my drift... they're that kind of people, so that whole situation was extremely out of character. I was rather surprised today. That's sad that my biggest highlight of the day was about this woman in the super market, how pathetic.

We might loose our Post Office?

When Lori Stokes said, do we really even need the post office any more? I was flabbergasted. What a moronic statement to make. How else would we be able to send things to other people. If you needed to send an item to some one, how would you do it without the post? What if we do loose the post office, what then? Would other small business people start their own shipping companies and charge what ever they wanted for shipping? Would the government monitor these items being shipped because if they were private companies, would they have the jurisdiction to monitor their shipment? These are some pretty perplexing questions to ask, what if? What if is such a horrible thing to say, it's such a pain, but truly, what if? Would you want these private companies shipping items like, oh say, babies from other countries? How about machine guns, explosives, and other "inappropriate" items? It's a touchy subject, would these private companies be better or would it result in a fascist monopoly? BUT! Wasn't the government's post office a monopoly? You weren't allowed to find an alternate way of shipping an item... without doing it yourself, all mob-ie like. Who knows, what this toppling of the post office will wrought. Well... we shouldn't have bailed out the banks because of a slew of other reasons why it wouldn't have fucked us, but would loosing our post office be detrimental to our nations security? What if, and who knows... we'll just see what happens when the outcome of the post comes to fruition.

Google +

I also joined google plus recently and I have to say it's not worth all the hype. I mean, it's extremely similar to Facebook, and I can't stand Facebook. Well, hopefully, it'll be better when more people I know use it? Maybe? Who knows... all these social networking sites are making us as human beings seem to be more separated from each other, even though, we're connected to just about every one in the world. I have so many blogs, that I'm on the computer for about an hour just checking all of them. Can you say, "Scary!"

A job?

It's insanely difficult to find a job now. I have been sending resumes to so many different places and haven't gotten anything back yet. It's an extremely daunting process. I have only a few months here in New York as well and I need a job soon. I have completely run out of funds and i'm in debt to my credit card company. I don't know what to do; I would pretty much do just about any job at this point. I have even applied to an overnight stocking job because I need something. I figured, hey, I don't sleep anymore any way so an overnight job wouldn't be bad. I just hope I find something because now I'm seriously broke. I can't even go out and find a job because I don't have the money for transportation so it's a bit of a catch 22. I just have to stay persistent and some thing will eventually surface, hopefully. :(